Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
The Things We Carry
Lately--I have been feeling my age. Yeah, I'm only 30 as of this past Wednesday to be exact. I will have to explain of course what I mean by that...if you have ever seen Lord of The Rings part 3 there is a scene towards the ending. The tavern scene where Frodo and his companions are having some ale. Meanwhile, everyone else is getting all excited about a pumpking--and all they can do is shrug and smile.
What I liked about that scene in the book is how Tolkien captured veterans reactions to the simplicity of life. You acknowledge it with a smile, but you know deep inside because of your intense experiences with life--that you never be able to do the same ever again.
My whole life has been intense...I know that there are times that I do intimidate people or in some cases--even make them uncomfortable. Now I am not going around proclaiming to world pity me. What I am saying is that when I talk to todays generation that is when I see the generation gap. Even when talking to my own peers--I have the same problem.
I do not mind spending my life alone. In fact I have made my peace with it...I just hate the longing and want--to experience love emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have had some moments that I came close too selling out. The only people I can ever really relate too are others of my own similar experience, elders and veterans. The veterans are a tricky bunch because they have experienced something elseo of course. They killed people and saw people die by their own hand--
What amazes me is that some while and I would NEVER coax someone into telling me their story...some of them have shared them with me. When I talk about my brother--and how he died. One of them and I have too agree--said that seeing death in whatever form it decided to take is too much.
I've seen it three times.
Then you add all the other experiences that I have had and that only intensifies the soul and heart.
I know a lot of people think that I am happy go lucky, funny, witty, a comedian basically and yet--it is the only way I know how to get through the day. Even some of my younger friends for unknown reasons equate humor with maturity.
Other times I like to be self-deprecating--
I don't act my age because how can I?
I may be 30, but I do feel older than this number. I am never sure if that will make sense to any of you people. I just know that it shows in my writing and that a lot of people can see that and think what they want to think.
My battle scars, pieces of my heart and pain are the things that I carry.
What I liked about that scene in the book is how Tolkien captured veterans reactions to the simplicity of life. You acknowledge it with a smile, but you know deep inside because of your intense experiences with life--that you never be able to do the same ever again.
My whole life has been intense...I know that there are times that I do intimidate people or in some cases--even make them uncomfortable. Now I am not going around proclaiming to world pity me. What I am saying is that when I talk to todays generation that is when I see the generation gap. Even when talking to my own peers--I have the same problem.
I do not mind spending my life alone. In fact I have made my peace with it...I just hate the longing and want--to experience love emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have had some moments that I came close too selling out. The only people I can ever really relate too are others of my own similar experience, elders and veterans. The veterans are a tricky bunch because they have experienced something elseo of course. They killed people and saw people die by their own hand--
What amazes me is that some while and I would NEVER coax someone into telling me their story...some of them have shared them with me. When I talk about my brother--and how he died. One of them and I have too agree--said that seeing death in whatever form it decided to take is too much.
I've seen it three times.
Then you add all the other experiences that I have had and that only intensifies the soul and heart.
I know a lot of people think that I am happy go lucky, funny, witty, a comedian basically and yet--it is the only way I know how to get through the day. Even some of my younger friends for unknown reasons equate humor with maturity.
Other times I like to be self-deprecating--
I don't act my age because how can I?
I may be 30, but I do feel older than this number. I am never sure if that will make sense to any of you people. I just know that it shows in my writing and that a lot of people can see that and think what they want to think.
My battle scars, pieces of my heart and pain are the things that I carry.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
Put The Paradigm Back In the Box and Walk Away
I have to admit...that I have been feeling frustrated lately.
The last few months people have been testing my will--and then my truck. I like my truck. And in the past few months people seem to think or assume that they can do what they wish...like back up into it and drive off, key it, scratch it egg it, break into it, rip decals off, steal a fog light.
Why? What point is there in that?
On top of all that I have a warrant for a speeding ticket, but this part is my fault.
I am turning 30 on Wednesday...currently seeking a job, after which I will try to get an apartment and then focus on school, personal goals, and re-establish old friendships and build new ones.
*deep breath* I just did not want to begin the new year off this way.
For the moment everything seems to have an answer--money.
Granted some of the stuff I listed is superficial--the damaging of other people's property is just out right wrong.
And yet this weekend was the first time I actually had a social life---I had no clue where I needed to be. So I hooked up with some old friends and a bar-b-que and a few --cokes.
It was really great.
I do hope that I can in the near future or not...at least find a friend. I mean friend as in an intimate one--on the intellectual and emotional level. Yeah--I am talking about girlies.
Okay, okay--woman.
It gets easier and easier to socialize--although last night--small world that it is...ran into several people who knew my first love.
*laughing* I saw a picture and there she was...and they wanted to hook me up with her--SO I had to give them a small history lesson.
More than likely because it is a L A R G E and W I D E family that spans across the valley--I meant to be redundant--and very close knit--she will hear about my uhm--rant?
At least the funny feeling in my heart was a bit faint--so that was good...but she is still beautiful.
This week will be my milestone for personal reasons. I hope to at least find a job first...then the apartment, and fix my truck.
But basically...I want my life to begin now.
The last few months people have been testing my will--and then my truck. I like my truck. And in the past few months people seem to think or assume that they can do what they wish...like back up into it and drive off, key it, scratch it egg it, break into it, rip decals off, steal a fog light.
Why? What point is there in that?
On top of all that I have a warrant for a speeding ticket, but this part is my fault.
I am turning 30 on Wednesday...currently seeking a job, after which I will try to get an apartment and then focus on school, personal goals, and re-establish old friendships and build new ones.
*deep breath* I just did not want to begin the new year off this way.
For the moment everything seems to have an answer--money.
Granted some of the stuff I listed is superficial--the damaging of other people's property is just out right wrong.
And yet this weekend was the first time I actually had a social life---I had no clue where I needed to be. So I hooked up with some old friends and a bar-b-que and a few --cokes.
It was really great.
I do hope that I can in the near future or not...at least find a friend. I mean friend as in an intimate one--on the intellectual and emotional level. Yeah--I am talking about girlies.
Okay, okay--woman.
It gets easier and easier to socialize--although last night--small world that it is...ran into several people who knew my first love.
*laughing* I saw a picture and there she was...and they wanted to hook me up with her--SO I had to give them a small history lesson.
More than likely because it is a L A R G E and W I D E family that spans across the valley--I meant to be redundant--and very close knit--she will hear about my uhm--rant?
At least the funny feeling in my heart was a bit faint--so that was good...but she is still beautiful.
This week will be my milestone for personal reasons. I hope to at least find a job first...then the apartment, and fix my truck.
But basically...I want my life to begin now.
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