The Sky Is Falling!

It is past Christmas now...the New Year is upon us--me. I have an unwrapped present from my brother that I have never opened.

I know what it is already and have for the last two years now going on three. It is a camera that I really wanted for the longest time. I like to take photos from time to time...I have several programs to enhance, distort and all that jazz.

Some of my very first photos were of my brother and his friends. In the morning after my run going down on Trenton Road in McAllen the grackles that line up on the telephone lines against the dawn--look freaking awesome. And then again I have this Hitchcockian theme running through my head that they will flip out and attack cars and people at any given moment.

Other times I like going down 10th street and Dove to check out the lime green parrots and see them flock. Most of the time I really have this feeling that no one ever looks up to see what is around them. I am not into birding like my best friend is...he is an orthodilonigist...I know I can not spell the correct word for the "study of birds".

What I do know is because of him...he is--or going out to the new tower that just opened on the 16th of this month out at Santa Ana Refuge. I love that place because there is that one main road that I like to run--but sometimes...I really like to take other paths just to remember Frost's poem...the road less traveled.

I have been thinking about opening this one gift of his lately. And may be I will add it to my poems as I can not draw for crap.

I would so like to share what the Valley is about because it is my home. It is my world and I think...that is what my brother wanted me to see. Sometimes we need to look around us to get a better understanding of our surroundings. And who knows? I may actually have fun in the process. I am so glad that I have friends that are professional photographers.

This week I will be in mountain country. If you are ever in the Rio Grande--check out the scene.

Last One There Is A Rotten Egg

So I saw Rock Balboa the other night (a piece of info--it is NOT Rocky 6--for legal reason Stallone had to go w/ a stand alone movie...an unofficial add on to Rocky).

I can not avoid the pun--but it rocked.

It is what is...a guy movie. It is about coming full circle...there was a scene that made me cry. I SWEAR that the advice he gave his son is what I tell people about life.

Even when it beats the crap out of you...you get up and move forward.

Bam! You dad puts you in the hospital.
Pow! Your placed in foster care homes for awhile.
When getting the hell kicked out of you is not enough--you get it at school.
When all you ever learn is to hate rejection...then fear it.
When it seems as if every women is out to steal your feelings made out of meat within your chest...wishing they would steal the one thing you want to lose. Your innocence...and yet--you've lost that along time ago...and your left wondering how do you lose innocence?
When it is still with you?
When it feels like love is so unattainable Jesus chooses to forgive you.
When you lose two brothers'--grandfather kills self--
You develop an addiction...like anorexia and cocaine..you steal to survive your habit. Several arrests later...probation--all of this before 20...
a few more rounds later--cancer, dad's three strokes--then your 27 going on 95.

What happened to 17?

When friends abandon you and your by yourself for 3 years...your find yourself in San Diego, New Orleans, L.A--you never really think about feeling sorry for yourself. There are times when it gets the best of you much like anybody else--but you get up and go another round.

Life--is never really meant to be anything. I do not like the way things have turned out, but it just is...you deal with it and dance in the ring. Some of it brought on by life--the rest of it I did not need any help with...I can get into trouble just nicely thank you very much.

It always puzzles me when it comes to relationships how some people NEED a person to be there for them. They are well..needy--they can not endure anything by themselves...this is not to say I am any better or stronger because I am single. Believe you me--I would SO give anything to cry on some body's shoulder...and I believe one day I am going to experience love and physical intimacy.

I have no desire to go to Boy's town. (brothels in Mexico--if you are wondering)

You have to understand some of the guy pals in my life are "When men should act like men" type.

It just made me a bit stronger--to a certain degree--detached would be a better way to describe it...apathetic.

It is why I love to write...it lets me remember my emotions and what I have endured and how I far I can keep going.

It may make people uncomfortable to make light of bad situations--or laugh, if you are not able to then...his life can either be a long jog or a short stroll.

Seize the fish.

More Soul Man

The Soul Man Is Gone

I was a bit down to find out one of my idols is gone. I grew up on James--much like everybody else...everyone from hip hop, rap, rock, r& b,soul,funk,jazz...poets,writers--

I know that there will never be another one like the Soul man...there are no words to define a man who was about definitions--

James Brown will always rock on. This one is for you man...

High Standards

Today, I went to visit some colonias to give out gifts...it is always a reminder of what I used to live like--

Although most people around this time of year do things like this to be "reminded" of what they have and to be grateful. It is so ironic--that they will make statements such as: " It is so nice to be giving than receiving..."

They feel selfless and humbled...only to follow it up with it was so fun--let's do it again next year. And then the very attitude they possesed to becomes selfish. You only do it to feel good about yourself.

I have been looking around to help out and will more than likely try to help with hospice homes. Or may be even in the colonias...I met some great people today. Although...some seem to think poverty is a result of laziness or creating your enviroment--thus you are responsible for what happens to you.

(The people there giving out gifts--although nice--I have to say were misguided in their beliefs...(I suspect they were either existentialists or into metaphysics/Buddism--b/c they kept saying these people must have done something wrong in a previous life--and thinking is creation. And we are gods of lives--I digress for now)

It was more than that for me...reminder/giving and hoping.

I thought about all the things I have done with my life. Assessing my life and beliefs...friends I have and friends I have made and who have reciprocate that friendship...belive it or not I do extend my hand in friendship when I like that person.

When it is not...I do not hate them or dislike them..nor regret it. It does disappoint me. I just realize that they were not the person I took them for and were not in need of another friend and I move on--bascially realizing everything I thought about them was wrong and look for another.

I--keep hoping for that special person in my life...who will trust me--and then does. The person who is willing to put their trust in me and share their life with me and I them. I hope to be given that chance to give up my life/certain dreams/compromise--love,intimacy....to be given a chance to hold their hand and when life punches me--not to hit back, but to get up and to move forward together as one in union.

The creation of marriage by God--astounds me.

I always find it funny when people act like I am strange for doing the things I have done in my life. I hate my singleness at times...because I've been single for so long and do not have that experience of sharing my life with someone.

Still--why would I let it stop me? It does suck driving all the time on the road by yourself with good CD's, a journal and the road. I do not like going to the movies by myself ALL the time...I wish I could have had someone familar in L.A or New Orleans, Las Vegas or in Saltillo, Mexico.

Even in my camping being by yourself (in the world--I know I am not alone b/c God is with me...it is that fact that gets me through--and yet it is still not easy)

Sometimes I lie and say (althought it is not very convincing at times) a friend or my dad...yada,yada,yada. I hate it when people act like it is a tragedy to be single. I do that on my own--I do not need any help in that department, but it makes for great poems.

I also then realize that people are not comfortable at laughing at the major events in life and taking the trival thing seriously.

Because if it were the other way around--there would be more divorces. Why? How many times when two people have been married for 60 years do you hear she was so beautiful until she got old? It is the little things--the imperfections that are perfect for us that we take to heart.

The Jews are prime examples of this fact I think. So many comedians are successful--and it shows in Hollywood. Even the movie Life is Beautiful is the best example of taking a bad situation and turning it into a good one.

I still get up when life says stay down. I have lost so much and experienced so much. I really do appreciate a friend from time to time.

Celebrity and success do not impress me...character, conviction,intellegience do though--I was so let down this summer when I thought of a person so highly and then he just blew me off. Needless, to say he made great material for one of my characters...and I did not have to embellish anything--he did all the work.

All I know is that I hope someone will see that in me...all I want in life is someone to trust me.

There is so much potential in the world. And that is the problem--potential is nothing more than an empty floppy disk..it is when it gets filled--the value changes and it becomes something more.


...I still have so much to learn--may be I should not have high ideals--may be that is why I am still...single.

Mambo!

I love musicals and musical references..enjoy.






And a dance number..

Terry Fox the Marathon Man

The last two years I have been training for a marathon...and really beating the hell out of my body to get into sync--sometimes I...do it to try to understand the pain my brother endured. I never will...but there is more to it than meets the eye.

I have been dealing with a ton of chips in my heart these last two years. And I really want to do something with my life--not for the praise of man. It is something that I have to be aware of and at times--whether people know it or not--tell me.

I have been looking for help and support for a marathon...in that I am hoping to find the right people who are willing to be selfless. And already I see that it will be no easy task to do this small thing. So that being the case it looks like it is going to be up to me to take on the challenge. What can I say? I never know when to give up.

I have been reading about Terry Fox lately. I remember him when I was four--before I even knew what cancer was or what it did to the body and the finality of death in this life. I remember some of the news reports and the movie--when he died the way people cried for a person they never met.

And then he was forgotten.

His thought process--the will to defend what you believe (even if you are wrong--a.k.a stubborn (terreco) ) The way he would not let a mile beat him...even if people told him that it was not possible (I am assuming--but that mentality had to be there too if they did) he did it to prove to himself that it could be done.

Some of the things that he said I heard before...from my brother and other patients ...the way cancer patients endure pain and sickness...they should not have to go through. Believe me--you never want to hear someone just give up...only to die a few minutes later...I saw things at M.D. Anderson that many others there have seen b/c they work there--or are a patient there...

The children are--it...is hard to see.

The screams of people crying...family members asking you when do you think your brother is going to check out (rude I know--but it happens when people lose hope and become negative)...patients crying because the medicine burns your soul on the inside--

I hope that I can do something with my life worth while. This is not about legacy or remembrance for me...this is personal and quite frankly tired of being selfish with my time.

If your not familiar with Terry Fox here is a link you can check out...in my opinion he is a bigger person than Lance. But that is my opinion--you can parallel their lives and decide for yourself.

http://www.terryfoxrun.org/english/home/default.asp?s=1

Terry Fox (I promise this is my last blog for the day)

I have been looking over some websites about the Terry Fox foundation. There was recently a marathon down here for a battered womens' shelter and comfort home.

I wrote to the foundation and hope to hear from them within the week. My goal is to hopefully bring a Terry Fox run down here...they are held worldwide. It would in a sense keep my brother's spirit and give hope to many other people who need desperately need it.

It is what I have been training for--incase you are all wondering why I run and workout so much.

I really hope that I can do it...I have no clue how--I just know that I want to do it for more than a cause and not to look good...but to be giving of myself...I hope that I can do this. I do not have the means or the right people to help me with this--so I hope that I can find that in the process.

However, God wants to work this out--it has been on my mind for awhile. We shall see.

The Blog Whore That I Am

Hmmm...so today I did something I never thought I'd do. Well, that I think about and then never act on. I talked to a girl--two in fact.

Lately, I have joined an aerobics class...it was so good that I enrolled in three--back to back. So basically it is a three hour course PLUS my 6 miler...it is only for the first three days of the week.

...and of course the ladies in the class are nice. No, no I did not join the class for that reason...although there are a lot of nice women in there...

Most of them have boyfriends anyways. I really and this will sound funny to some--I am not very comfortable with women...in that sometimes I say some of the dumbest things. I usually have this social awkardness with them--and figured that getting in shape and dealing with my fear of women would be a twofer. (Two birds with one stone deal--get it?)

AND I am meeting intresting people along the way...I never realized I had quite a bit to say. Or that I could actually be a bit of a social animal.

I have internal struggles that I deal with much like anyone else. We will not even go into asking for help--although it usually takes me an hour to work my way up to it.

So I go this store everyday to get my daily addiction of Diet Coke/hotdog/chips and a Crispy Creme donut--is this a choice meal if your= are training?

I have been talking to her for a while in small tidbits...and I think the last time she wanted me to ask her out...I CAME so close to asking her out tonight...and I bonked (what is this running?)side note: I'm so glad that Lance Armstrong admitted his defeat--he needed his ego popped (referring to his first and last marathon. If you are a running purist (you need to read Runner's World November 2006 issue to see why I said that)...

"I think I bit off more than I could chew, I thought the marathon would be easier," he said. "(My shins) started to hurt in the second half, especially the right one. I could barely walk up here, because the calves are completely knotted up.
.....


So will he be back?

"Now's not the time to ask that question. The answer now is no, I'll never be back. But I reserve the right to change my mind," he said. "I don't know how these guys do it." Lance Armstong (USA Today.com)

He is NO TERRY FOX.

On with the show: I think tomorrow I am going to ask her out...there are a lot of things that I have done on my to do list. I am tired of being scared of rejection (laugh all you want it is my fear.) ...and may be she MIGHT say no or she MIGHT say yes. All I know is that I want to try...and live.

Rambling Man

I can never really be sure if what I say is profound...I'd have to say nonsensical at best. I guess I could really,really try to be intellectual sounding--but that would just sound cheap.

So the other day my friend wanted me to hang out with her and her gals...a.k.a set me up. Oh, dear.

I'm all for meeting women--it is just the whole idea of being squashed like a bug (me being behind and all--referring to where i should be at this point in my life, eh, but define late for me)...other times being criticized for going out with a younger lady.

I like who I like.

It is just--the whole idea of being set up is like--well the attitude behind it with certain "friends" make it seem like there is something wrong with me.

I even had to fight..not that I had to, but I am not gay.

Although--I must admit it is funny the way some people react to me---think of the last Lethal Weapon movie the scene with Chris Rock and Danny Glover. I know I shouldn't mess with people like that...and yet sometimes it is fun.

I make the best of my situation.

I always have when it comes to life--
I don't like the way things turned out...it just is--

If there was anything in this world more than anything that I would want at present. It would have to be out of the Valley and on with my life.

I dream of the day I am in China--surrounded by mountains, Great Wall...man--I love the people that are there (not that I don't love the people here)...it so ancient in the country side...and then I do have a leaning towards the Asian persuasion. Sorry.

I like to rhyme when I see the opportunity.

At the moment though...I'm really trying to establish myself (within) as a person and do things I never would do...

today I went to a funeral only to find out that two more cousins have had cancer--the same type my brother had--it is a reality on my dad's side of the family.

Both cousins are expected to go this week...the other one today.

Life in its entirety is what I seek to enjoy. I want to squeeze all the life that I can...which is why I do not like to sleep sometimes. I want all of it for as long as God permits me.

As Jim Elliot (paraphrase--see the movie The End of Spear if you are curious) once said," I am immortal till I die."

I think i will stop here.

bush video

Giving Humanity a Second Chance

So I was bored...so I blog again.

New Subject total randomness now....

So my continuous saga in giving humanity a second chance has been interesting to say the least...I mean I have not gotten my date with Anne Hathaway yet---but I'm working on it.

I like to push myself to new limits....meeting people and what not. What I would say though is that---even though I do not like people....or I should say trust people which would explain my small circle of friends--there are a few worth keeping at hand.

I like to extend my friendship out from time to time...I do like to help people and vice versa. If it goes unreturned it makes me think less of the person...and makes me very sad for many days. I don't do months--I have better things to do.

Relationships are hard work (referring to my last blog) ALL of them--whether it be a friend/ mom/ dad/sister/brother/stranger...it is not ONLY exclusive to one on one relationships....so it never makes any sense when people try to cheapen my life...for being single and some really do make me feel bad...in case your wondering--I never look forward to December 24 all the way to Feb. 14th because all these holidays aside from being overly commercialized...are all so family centered...if there were only a way to stop the space/time continium.

and I have only three members and the rest of my friends are usually at the Jones house with loved ones and the kids. Oh, I get invited mind you...but my friend and I are usually seated to the side--with my friends kids. As they all plan family outings, gatherings, diaper changes, home school issues...

You could say I am a bit of a scrooge by default. When they set me up sometimes which has been only twice thank God. Both times the women were on some power trip...I got the "I have a degree and master's speech which makes me better than you." You will have to trust me...you did not want to be there---

And the other one...would not stop calling me....a.k.a. stalking---although I must say I have done a good job of getting into trouble myself. And I am not opposed to being with a woman who is more successful than I...just do not want them lording that over me.

I Want To Jump The Shark

I felt like abusing/molesting the ellipses today...sue me.

I hate sleeping....which is really funny in and of itself because I can sleep like Einstein for 12-16 hours.

I would also like to think we are alike...as I can not balance my check book to save my life....but one would suspect it is because I like to spend money and then assume I still have money left.

Other times I wish I could be like the Great White shark...so I could do all the things I have wanted to do for the longest time. Things like reading all my books, writing and more writing, travel and so many countless of random things I can not think of at the moment......but then I think to myself what a wonderful world that would be...with a small brain.

I hate to sleep, but my body and mind require it. My longest record for not sleeping has been a 4 days. I do not recommend it though.....that's when the purple monkeys and pink elephants come out to play.

2 Became 1

Some friends of mine got married this week...it was....an awesome experience to witness. When two people become one before God...two then three--so symbolic of the Holy Trinity.

It was so freaking awesome...and sad for me. It meant in a sense losing a friend. All my friends at present are married--a lot of them have gone on to have kids/career/life happened for them. In my case it is down to me...

I never thought it would be this way for me...and then again life is never really anything or anyway that we thought it would be. Lots of things have happened to me that i never thought would happen--it was never for me to decide what happened, but how I got through it.

So at this point all my friends are married...and it is just me. I really fight the feeling that something is wrong with me. All I can really do is focus on my life path and pray that God will bring me someone. Because it...can really hurt not having someone there to talk too.....every moring waking up and not being able to experience that---warmth that I keep hearing about right there by the pillow and your arm.

Small pecks on the check-weight pressed on your back as she cover you with her body like a small cocoon...

Often times the way my friends will say that relationships are hard work and I should stay single for the rest of my life and be a monk. Now I know they are joking...some of them anyways...but it hurts--
or other times some of them in really bad/biter relationships cheapen my dreams, goals and ambitions.

They make it seem as if my experiences and travels are cheap attempts for compensating my loneliness.

And while a lot of people think I'm funny---to be honest it really is a disguise..I guard myself so much...I've been hurt over and over again....it is just so hard to believe all the women in my life have been taken or not intrested in me....and then again to be fair I have not tried in 3 years. I did recently, but that did not go well...it is just hard to be cynical--

I'm getting older and am tired of being single.

It is so funny that many people think that I've got it all together...but I do not. It is like that Queen song...each morning I get up I die a little...I'd like to be alive once.

Deep Breath

So my semester has winded down...it is good to be done with the whole thing ...for now. (Thinking to myself)

I just realized the ellipses are underrated. They are never used as often as they should be used....

I think....so the ellipses needs to make a come back other wise it will go into complete extinction.....this is a terrible tragedy. What we need to do is .....if we were to use it more often I think people would follow suit. It could be used on any occassion...

new subject....


Superman vs. Batman--Batman would win hands down.

The guy is a millionaire see.....and a conversation between them two would go something like this....

"Your going to kick my ass?"
"No."
"Yeah, that's right I'm Superman."
"Yeaaaaah....about that...I bought the rights to you name."
"It turns out you didn't have a patent on the copyright. So I own you and your identity. My lawyers will talk to you in the morning."
"What? I work at the Daily Planet by day and Superman on moral obligation..."
"Yeaaaah....I bought the Daily Planet too....turns out you didn't actually do anything. You have no degree....you just sort of showed up and started typing......and you missed work too often when you did. You fired."
"What can I do now?"
" Well, I do need a new Boy wonder."

Well that's what i think.