High Standards

Today, I went to visit some colonias to give out gifts...it is always a reminder of what I used to live like--

Although most people around this time of year do things like this to be "reminded" of what they have and to be grateful. It is so ironic--that they will make statements such as: " It is so nice to be giving than receiving..."

They feel selfless and humbled...only to follow it up with it was so fun--let's do it again next year. And then the very attitude they possesed to becomes selfish. You only do it to feel good about yourself.

I have been looking around to help out and will more than likely try to help with hospice homes. Or may be even in the colonias...I met some great people today. Although...some seem to think poverty is a result of laziness or creating your enviroment--thus you are responsible for what happens to you.

(The people there giving out gifts--although nice--I have to say were misguided in their beliefs...(I suspect they were either existentialists or into metaphysics/Buddism--b/c they kept saying these people must have done something wrong in a previous life--and thinking is creation. And we are gods of lives--I digress for now)

It was more than that for me...reminder/giving and hoping.

I thought about all the things I have done with my life. Assessing my life and beliefs...friends I have and friends I have made and who have reciprocate that friendship...belive it or not I do extend my hand in friendship when I like that person.

When it is not...I do not hate them or dislike them..nor regret it. It does disappoint me. I just realize that they were not the person I took them for and were not in need of another friend and I move on--bascially realizing everything I thought about them was wrong and look for another.

I--keep hoping for that special person in my life...who will trust me--and then does. The person who is willing to put their trust in me and share their life with me and I them. I hope to be given that chance to give up my life/certain dreams/compromise--love,intimacy....to be given a chance to hold their hand and when life punches me--not to hit back, but to get up and to move forward together as one in union.

The creation of marriage by God--astounds me.

I always find it funny when people act like I am strange for doing the things I have done in my life. I hate my singleness at times...because I've been single for so long and do not have that experience of sharing my life with someone.

Still--why would I let it stop me? It does suck driving all the time on the road by yourself with good CD's, a journal and the road. I do not like going to the movies by myself ALL the time...I wish I could have had someone familar in L.A or New Orleans, Las Vegas or in Saltillo, Mexico.

Even in my camping being by yourself (in the world--I know I am not alone b/c God is with me...it is that fact that gets me through--and yet it is still not easy)

Sometimes I lie and say (althought it is not very convincing at times) a friend or my dad...yada,yada,yada. I hate it when people act like it is a tragedy to be single. I do that on my own--I do not need any help in that department, but it makes for great poems.

I also then realize that people are not comfortable at laughing at the major events in life and taking the trival thing seriously.

Because if it were the other way around--there would be more divorces. Why? How many times when two people have been married for 60 years do you hear she was so beautiful until she got old? It is the little things--the imperfections that are perfect for us that we take to heart.

The Jews are prime examples of this fact I think. So many comedians are successful--and it shows in Hollywood. Even the movie Life is Beautiful is the best example of taking a bad situation and turning it into a good one.

I still get up when life says stay down. I have lost so much and experienced so much. I really do appreciate a friend from time to time.

Celebrity and success do not impress me...character, conviction,intellegience do though--I was so let down this summer when I thought of a person so highly and then he just blew me off. Needless, to say he made great material for one of my characters...and I did not have to embellish anything--he did all the work.

All I know is that I hope someone will see that in me...all I want in life is someone to trust me.

There is so much potential in the world. And that is the problem--potential is nothing more than an empty floppy disk..it is when it gets filled--the value changes and it becomes something more.


...I still have so much to learn--may be I should not have high ideals--may be that is why I am still...single.