Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Hey, Chaci !
In about 10 months I'm going to be done with school all together. I'll be done in my 3year time line. It took a while...
And though I can qualify it all--I wouldn't change a thing as to how things turned out. I've been a relationship for 5 months going on 6, 2 degrees on the way, job offers from China are pouring in like rain and I feel like the blessed guy in the world.
The love of a woman astounds me--it perplexes my heart and mind. It is so crazy how you can know a person and still have them be a complete and utter mystery to you. After, all the crap I went through in my 20's and all the things life had to throw at me. I'm still here.
I'm at a loss for words really....
I've been writing on and off the last few days. I took a 2 month break to relax and spend time with my awesome girlfriend. (Quite frankly I'm amazed because she is REALLY hot--fitness instructor that she is of course.)
Soon I'll be preparing my manuscript in the next year. And really focusing on my next phase of life...namely an MFA!
I was thinking of Scott Baio if I spelled his name right. You know that dude who played the Fonz's cousin? HEYYYYY!!!!
Granted the dude looks better and is way richer than I--seeing his life on a reality show the other day. He was all bummed out because he's in his 40's and not married...it made me feel pretty damn good. Because he's had all these opportunities and life has been pretty easy for the guy.
And he has to hire a life coach to access his life for him...sad really. I took a good look at my life last month...and even now. It wasn't so bad.
Life is life.
How we define ourselves and handle our choices--how we decide to take a step in the right direction when we're going through hell or just moments of loneliness.
Life is what we make of it. It's what we do with ourselves in the light and in the dark.
And right now--I'm flying high and feel like Chachi has nothing on this cat.
And though I can qualify it all--I wouldn't change a thing as to how things turned out. I've been a relationship for 5 months going on 6, 2 degrees on the way, job offers from China are pouring in like rain and I feel like the blessed guy in the world.
The love of a woman astounds me--it perplexes my heart and mind. It is so crazy how you can know a person and still have them be a complete and utter mystery to you. After, all the crap I went through in my 20's and all the things life had to throw at me. I'm still here.
I'm at a loss for words really....
I've been writing on and off the last few days. I took a 2 month break to relax and spend time with my awesome girlfriend. (Quite frankly I'm amazed because she is REALLY hot--fitness instructor that she is of course.)
Soon I'll be preparing my manuscript in the next year. And really focusing on my next phase of life...namely an MFA!
I was thinking of Scott Baio if I spelled his name right. You know that dude who played the Fonz's cousin? HEYYYYY!!!!
Granted the dude looks better and is way richer than I--seeing his life on a reality show the other day. He was all bummed out because he's in his 40's and not married...it made me feel pretty damn good. Because he's had all these opportunities and life has been pretty easy for the guy.
And he has to hire a life coach to access his life for him...sad really. I took a good look at my life last month...and even now. It wasn't so bad.
Life is life.
How we define ourselves and handle our choices--how we decide to take a step in the right direction when we're going through hell or just moments of loneliness.
Life is what we make of it. It's what we do with ourselves in the light and in the dark.
And right now--I'm flying high and feel like Chachi has nothing on this cat.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Lea
I have to say that at this point in my life--the human experience feels complete. There is someone in my life for the time-being anyways (another story)...sharing my life with someone has been unique.
The things I have learned from her and about myself have been in awe.
I--can not believe that I am so capable of touch and being touched.
Power and grace--
touch and feelings
emotion and strength--
It is not easy to have someone suddenly there either....and yet--it is an awesome sensation. I am able to share my intimate moments with a personal friend.
Life at this point in time is good.
The things I have learned from her and about myself have been in awe.
I--can not believe that I am so capable of touch and being touched.
Power and grace--
touch and feelings
emotion and strength--
It is not easy to have someone suddenly there either....and yet--it is an awesome sensation. I am able to share my intimate moments with a personal friend.
Life at this point in time is good.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Friday, February 9, 2007
The Things We Carry
Lately--I have been feeling my age. Yeah, I'm only 30 as of this past Wednesday to be exact. I will have to explain of course what I mean by that...if you have ever seen Lord of The Rings part 3 there is a scene towards the ending. The tavern scene where Frodo and his companions are having some ale. Meanwhile, everyone else is getting all excited about a pumpking--and all they can do is shrug and smile.
What I liked about that scene in the book is how Tolkien captured veterans reactions to the simplicity of life. You acknowledge it with a smile, but you know deep inside because of your intense experiences with life--that you never be able to do the same ever again.
My whole life has been intense...I know that there are times that I do intimidate people or in some cases--even make them uncomfortable. Now I am not going around proclaiming to world pity me. What I am saying is that when I talk to todays generation that is when I see the generation gap. Even when talking to my own peers--I have the same problem.
I do not mind spending my life alone. In fact I have made my peace with it...I just hate the longing and want--to experience love emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have had some moments that I came close too selling out. The only people I can ever really relate too are others of my own similar experience, elders and veterans. The veterans are a tricky bunch because they have experienced something elseo of course. They killed people and saw people die by their own hand--
What amazes me is that some while and I would NEVER coax someone into telling me their story...some of them have shared them with me. When I talk about my brother--and how he died. One of them and I have too agree--said that seeing death in whatever form it decided to take is too much.
I've seen it three times.
Then you add all the other experiences that I have had and that only intensifies the soul and heart.
I know a lot of people think that I am happy go lucky, funny, witty, a comedian basically and yet--it is the only way I know how to get through the day. Even some of my younger friends for unknown reasons equate humor with maturity.
Other times I like to be self-deprecating--
I don't act my age because how can I?
I may be 30, but I do feel older than this number. I am never sure if that will make sense to any of you people. I just know that it shows in my writing and that a lot of people can see that and think what they want to think.
My battle scars, pieces of my heart and pain are the things that I carry.
What I liked about that scene in the book is how Tolkien captured veterans reactions to the simplicity of life. You acknowledge it with a smile, but you know deep inside because of your intense experiences with life--that you never be able to do the same ever again.
My whole life has been intense...I know that there are times that I do intimidate people or in some cases--even make them uncomfortable. Now I am not going around proclaiming to world pity me. What I am saying is that when I talk to todays generation that is when I see the generation gap. Even when talking to my own peers--I have the same problem.
I do not mind spending my life alone. In fact I have made my peace with it...I just hate the longing and want--to experience love emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have had some moments that I came close too selling out. The only people I can ever really relate too are others of my own similar experience, elders and veterans. The veterans are a tricky bunch because they have experienced something elseo of course. They killed people and saw people die by their own hand--
What amazes me is that some while and I would NEVER coax someone into telling me their story...some of them have shared them with me. When I talk about my brother--and how he died. One of them and I have too agree--said that seeing death in whatever form it decided to take is too much.
I've seen it three times.
Then you add all the other experiences that I have had and that only intensifies the soul and heart.
I know a lot of people think that I am happy go lucky, funny, witty, a comedian basically and yet--it is the only way I know how to get through the day. Even some of my younger friends for unknown reasons equate humor with maturity.
Other times I like to be self-deprecating--
I don't act my age because how can I?
I may be 30, but I do feel older than this number. I am never sure if that will make sense to any of you people. I just know that it shows in my writing and that a lot of people can see that and think what they want to think.
My battle scars, pieces of my heart and pain are the things that I carry.
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
Put The Paradigm Back In the Box and Walk Away
I have to admit...that I have been feeling frustrated lately.
The last few months people have been testing my will--and then my truck. I like my truck. And in the past few months people seem to think or assume that they can do what they wish...like back up into it and drive off, key it, scratch it egg it, break into it, rip decals off, steal a fog light.
Why? What point is there in that?
On top of all that I have a warrant for a speeding ticket, but this part is my fault.
I am turning 30 on Wednesday...currently seeking a job, after which I will try to get an apartment and then focus on school, personal goals, and re-establish old friendships and build new ones.
*deep breath* I just did not want to begin the new year off this way.
For the moment everything seems to have an answer--money.
Granted some of the stuff I listed is superficial--the damaging of other people's property is just out right wrong.
And yet this weekend was the first time I actually had a social life---I had no clue where I needed to be. So I hooked up with some old friends and a bar-b-que and a few --cokes.
It was really great.
I do hope that I can in the near future or not...at least find a friend. I mean friend as in an intimate one--on the intellectual and emotional level. Yeah--I am talking about girlies.
Okay, okay--woman.
It gets easier and easier to socialize--although last night--small world that it is...ran into several people who knew my first love.
*laughing* I saw a picture and there she was...and they wanted to hook me up with her--SO I had to give them a small history lesson.
More than likely because it is a L A R G E and W I D E family that spans across the valley--I meant to be redundant--and very close knit--she will hear about my uhm--rant?
At least the funny feeling in my heart was a bit faint--so that was good...but she is still beautiful.
This week will be my milestone for personal reasons. I hope to at least find a job first...then the apartment, and fix my truck.
But basically...I want my life to begin now.
The last few months people have been testing my will--and then my truck. I like my truck. And in the past few months people seem to think or assume that they can do what they wish...like back up into it and drive off, key it, scratch it egg it, break into it, rip decals off, steal a fog light.
Why? What point is there in that?
On top of all that I have a warrant for a speeding ticket, but this part is my fault.
I am turning 30 on Wednesday...currently seeking a job, after which I will try to get an apartment and then focus on school, personal goals, and re-establish old friendships and build new ones.
*deep breath* I just did not want to begin the new year off this way.
For the moment everything seems to have an answer--money.
Granted some of the stuff I listed is superficial--the damaging of other people's property is just out right wrong.
And yet this weekend was the first time I actually had a social life---I had no clue where I needed to be. So I hooked up with some old friends and a bar-b-que and a few --cokes.
It was really great.
I do hope that I can in the near future or not...at least find a friend. I mean friend as in an intimate one--on the intellectual and emotional level. Yeah--I am talking about girlies.
Okay, okay--woman.
It gets easier and easier to socialize--although last night--small world that it is...ran into several people who knew my first love.
*laughing* I saw a picture and there she was...and they wanted to hook me up with her--SO I had to give them a small history lesson.
More than likely because it is a L A R G E and W I D E family that spans across the valley--I meant to be redundant--and very close knit--she will hear about my uhm--rant?
At least the funny feeling in my heart was a bit faint--so that was good...but she is still beautiful.
This week will be my milestone for personal reasons. I hope to at least find a job first...then the apartment, and fix my truck.
But basically...I want my life to begin now.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
I Hate Insomnia--or Is The Other Way Around?
Hmm...so I've been up for about 50 some hours meandering in my thoughts pondering my existence and floating towards the inner me.
What the hell am I saying?
Although I have been up for a while...I hope sleep find me tonight.
I keep--wondering why women I find interesting intimidate me. Other times a bit concerned what people will think of me seeing someone about a decade younger than I.
Not that I have intentionally made it my mission to be amoung the younger generation...(sighing) it just worked out that way for me.
Most of the time I seem to have the problem of not being able to find someone of the same level as I am--even my own age. Even then the things that I carry seem to make me older I've been told. Well, it is a lot better than being told that I am uptight. Other times for whatever reason being told that I'm so innocent--I disagree...at least in the mental and heart deptment.
I have been told that despite my experiences that I have managed to retain my boyish behavior. I sometimes--I do not like either "compliment". Mainly, because I am about to turn 30 and I consider myself a man at this point....
I realize that you do not have to have sex to be a "man" as some of my promiscous friends have told me. It does make for a great song though. Now that is the male half--
The other gender tells me that I am not missing much--all it amounts to is a bunch of hoop la, meal is optional, clothes come off ( I digress with the unintentional pun--have you ever noticed when someone says no pun intended they really meant it? It is like the Freudian slip--when you have one--you really mean your mother. Or father depending on which boat you float to Sytx--moving on.) and then she's thinking get off of me.
I think that is kind of depressing (pun) and sad at the same time.
Then again--I do have some high ideals and expectations of myself.
I have been reassessing my original goals and faith. Not that I have ever reinterpreted my faith or tried to rationalize it through situational ethics...I do tend to be a hypocrite, but I am not out to prove something that I am not.
It does get frustrating to not think about what I am missing out on. When you see the experiences of love being shared by everyone around you...and I wonder why not me? When you have seen all your friends get married and time moves on--the reality sets in. Your social circles get smaller and you get pushed aside because you can not get with the family culture.
Other times having some people say how lucky you are for not being in a relationship--and them not knowing how much that hurts. If relationships are so hard then why not quit? Why are they so important to people?
I want the mortgage, the arguements, the make up sex, the headaches, the trials and the worries.
Sometimes hating to be dragged down by people who want to make you feel miserable--to share in their bitterness. I never "think" I can do something. I have to know.
Just because you can not do something--does not mean that I can not.
Your limitations are not my own.
I try not to get jealous sometimes when I see old lovers in coffee shops or at restaurants.
I will never understand why some women put up with jerks. I know that I am a nice guy--I know that I am the man that I want to be and to continue to be and to continue in the growth of that man I want to become with the help of Jesus.
I am no different than no one else--I have substance in my heart that I want to share, show, explore and come to fruitation.
I just want one chance.
I just want one moment.
Seize the fish.
What the hell am I saying?
Although I have been up for a while...I hope sleep find me tonight.
I keep--wondering why women I find interesting intimidate me. Other times a bit concerned what people will think of me seeing someone about a decade younger than I.
Not that I have intentionally made it my mission to be amoung the younger generation...(sighing) it just worked out that way for me.
Most of the time I seem to have the problem of not being able to find someone of the same level as I am--even my own age. Even then the things that I carry seem to make me older I've been told. Well, it is a lot better than being told that I am uptight. Other times for whatever reason being told that I'm so innocent--I disagree...at least in the mental and heart deptment.
I have been told that despite my experiences that I have managed to retain my boyish behavior. I sometimes--I do not like either "compliment". Mainly, because I am about to turn 30 and I consider myself a man at this point....
I realize that you do not have to have sex to be a "man" as some of my promiscous friends have told me. It does make for a great song though. Now that is the male half--
The other gender tells me that I am not missing much--all it amounts to is a bunch of hoop la, meal is optional, clothes come off ( I digress with the unintentional pun--have you ever noticed when someone says no pun intended they really meant it? It is like the Freudian slip--when you have one--you really mean your mother. Or father depending on which boat you float to Sytx--moving on.) and then she's thinking get off of me.
I think that is kind of depressing (pun) and sad at the same time.
Then again--I do have some high ideals and expectations of myself.
I have been reassessing my original goals and faith. Not that I have ever reinterpreted my faith or tried to rationalize it through situational ethics...I do tend to be a hypocrite, but I am not out to prove something that I am not.
It does get frustrating to not think about what I am missing out on. When you see the experiences of love being shared by everyone around you...and I wonder why not me? When you have seen all your friends get married and time moves on--the reality sets in. Your social circles get smaller and you get pushed aside because you can not get with the family culture.
Other times having some people say how lucky you are for not being in a relationship--and them not knowing how much that hurts. If relationships are so hard then why not quit? Why are they so important to people?
I want the mortgage, the arguements, the make up sex, the headaches, the trials and the worries.
Sometimes hating to be dragged down by people who want to make you feel miserable--to share in their bitterness. I never "think" I can do something. I have to know.
Just because you can not do something--does not mean that I can not.
Your limitations are not my own.
I try not to get jealous sometimes when I see old lovers in coffee shops or at restaurants.
I will never understand why some women put up with jerks. I know that I am a nice guy--I know that I am the man that I want to be and to continue to be and to continue in the growth of that man I want to become with the help of Jesus.
I am no different than no one else--I have substance in my heart that I want to share, show, explore and come to fruitation.
I just want one chance.
I just want one moment.
Seize the fish.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Trying to Be a Better Man
*sighing*
I was thinking today how hard it is too find a friend. A dependable friend--not an acquaintance, not a passer by, and some random stranger you see from time to time.
Today in the cyber world it is too easy to get fat, stupid and lack common sense. I see it too many times in some of the deptments here on campus...proof and assurance that having a doctrate means you can still be stupid and ignorant. You just sound nicer.
In a world where looks do matter--it is hard to be friend anyone at times with out motive. Everything is always suspect...
In my little world I used to admire professors for knowledge and a bit of enlightment...other times pastors for wisdom and biblical knowledge. And then I realized something--they're only human. It is just that I keep forgetting that...
My friend Pete said something too me that I thought was funny and an oxymoron. And then again may be he meant it that way--
He said that I could be so innocent and boyish--yet knowing the things that I know and the experiences that I carry...at such a young age--just enjoy life and you'll be okay.
I'm not sure if he was going somewhere with that--but I respect this man.
I have my stuggles and fall from grace more than I like too.
Three times this month I thought about how certain people told me that I could call them any time for advice, know how, anything---and when you do...nothing. It is so funny how many times people say things that only amounts to nothing.
No one really wants to offer advice because they might be wrong--and then it makes me doubt their postion on so many levels because they have no confidence in what they try to offer.
Other times people offer you advice when you do not want none. Then again--I never really use it. Because that is up to me...
I always mean what I say. I do try to come through--even if it means being used a few times. You may get away with it once or twice, but afterwards your on your own.
People are full of crap.
I've made bad choices in women and other times did not say anything and have a few regrets for not say what I wanted to say.
Other times getting so frustrated that women who claim they want a man to say what he means---and then are suspect to your on word and personal intergrity. I can say this much--at least when I am given a chance--I will not have 30 ex's in back of me or at a Church gathering. Personally? That is not just sad but pathetic...I'm for the one per say--but not for dating my congregation.
I am not a whore. ( however some of you who take offense to that--that's your problem not mine--because you know it is true.)
I AM looking for a wife and not some random encounter.
There were times I could have been a better brother and better friend.
I still miss my brother and will always. He was not just a brother, but a friend that I could also rely on.
I've had old friends track me down years later to offer their condolences...and yet even now amoung my "friends" never said anything or offer their support--not even a hint of sympathy. Not that I want your sympathy--even then it is a bit too late.
The saddest thing that I will always remember is how my brother's enemies and mine came by to offer their support. (laughing to myself) and they became good friends over the course of 3 years...and they are not even Christians.
My birthday is coming up...and my the only one who will not be at my table is my brother.
He was not perfect nor am I--but he was reliable.
Some of you can "try" to defend the family...the thing is I know some great men and women of God.
And then there are the bad apples--if I could remember the proverb--I'm trying to be more and more what God expects of me.
If you none of you see that--that is too bad. Some of you will never look beyond the me you knew...there are bad apples that I do not want to be like--and to do that I must stay away. I want to be a better person, friend, man...
And by the Grace of God I will.
Peace.
I was thinking today how hard it is too find a friend. A dependable friend--not an acquaintance, not a passer by, and some random stranger you see from time to time.
Today in the cyber world it is too easy to get fat, stupid and lack common sense. I see it too many times in some of the deptments here on campus...proof and assurance that having a doctrate means you can still be stupid and ignorant. You just sound nicer.
In a world where looks do matter--it is hard to be friend anyone at times with out motive. Everything is always suspect...
In my little world I used to admire professors for knowledge and a bit of enlightment...other times pastors for wisdom and biblical knowledge. And then I realized something--they're only human. It is just that I keep forgetting that...
My friend Pete said something too me that I thought was funny and an oxymoron. And then again may be he meant it that way--
He said that I could be so innocent and boyish--yet knowing the things that I know and the experiences that I carry...at such a young age--just enjoy life and you'll be okay.
I'm not sure if he was going somewhere with that--but I respect this man.
I have my stuggles and fall from grace more than I like too.
Three times this month I thought about how certain people told me that I could call them any time for advice, know how, anything---and when you do...nothing. It is so funny how many times people say things that only amounts to nothing.
No one really wants to offer advice because they might be wrong--and then it makes me doubt their postion on so many levels because they have no confidence in what they try to offer.
Other times people offer you advice when you do not want none. Then again--I never really use it. Because that is up to me...
I always mean what I say. I do try to come through--even if it means being used a few times. You may get away with it once or twice, but afterwards your on your own.
People are full of crap.
I've made bad choices in women and other times did not say anything and have a few regrets for not say what I wanted to say.
Other times getting so frustrated that women who claim they want a man to say what he means---and then are suspect to your on word and personal intergrity. I can say this much--at least when I am given a chance--I will not have 30 ex's in back of me or at a Church gathering. Personally? That is not just sad but pathetic...I'm for the one per say--but not for dating my congregation.
I am not a whore. ( however some of you who take offense to that--that's your problem not mine--because you know it is true.)
I AM looking for a wife and not some random encounter.
There were times I could have been a better brother and better friend.
I still miss my brother and will always. He was not just a brother, but a friend that I could also rely on.
I've had old friends track me down years later to offer their condolences...and yet even now amoung my "friends" never said anything or offer their support--not even a hint of sympathy. Not that I want your sympathy--even then it is a bit too late.
The saddest thing that I will always remember is how my brother's enemies and mine came by to offer their support. (laughing to myself) and they became good friends over the course of 3 years...and they are not even Christians.
My birthday is coming up...and my the only one who will not be at my table is my brother.
He was not perfect nor am I--but he was reliable.
Some of you can "try" to defend the family...the thing is I know some great men and women of God.
And then there are the bad apples--if I could remember the proverb--I'm trying to be more and more what God expects of me.
If you none of you see that--that is too bad. Some of you will never look beyond the me you knew...there are bad apples that I do not want to be like--and to do that I must stay away. I want to be a better person, friend, man...
And by the Grace of God I will.
Peace.
Miles Davis and John Coltrane--So What?
A very lovely lady from California who is originally from the Valley sent this my way...she has style, taste, pizazz, culture AND she's very beautiful. Man...if you all do not hear from in about a week chances are I may have taken her up on moving out there! You have to see her--either way. This piece rocks!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I Lived Like I Was Dying this Weekend
(sighing)
Yesterday, my friend and I went out to Laguna Atacosca if I spelled that right. It is about 30 before you get to South Padre Island. It is by the coast and a favorite with bird watchers--I was just looking for the 15 mile loop that I want to conquer.
It was a really good day. My friend got to take some of his pictures of his favorite birds--one of them is the Kiskadee. I mean they even have a trail named after it.
I do not get to do much of anything other than school, gym, run and nothing. So I did not want to pass this up...it was a good day.
Afterwards we went home, but not before stopping over at Camp Perry out at Rio Hondo. My personal favorite stomping ground....
You see I used to be a Boy Scout and go out there every summer to get away from the city and people. Out there I was in my element learning knots, camping AND I MEAN really camping--if it rained got muddy, clothes smelled of damp, flies, heat, humidity, cold frigid air. I was game and still am these days.
I wanted to talk to Ranger Pete. This guy is a good man and I learned so much from him over the 5 years that I went out there....
And then time caught up to him and the camp.
We talked about the good old days--and then we saw an armadillo and took some good pics.
He talked about how the camp was going wi-fi--there was talk of them building a cabin/slash hotel....today's kids are fat, lazy, stupid, no common sense and are basically--umm...wussies. He said I didn't.
All they want to do is sit and play X-box, have air-con units (rich kids with small tiny generators for both heat and air cons--pathetic) and call it camping.
I saw a lot of that out in Big Bend too. I understand the ranger having to have those things because they live out there 247 and need to communicate with the world.
What I do not understand is how today's generation is so numb and fat.
I remember helping with the docks and digging into the banks of the Arroyo. I was only 13 when we did that--and it didn't hurt me. We worked in the sun...
Pete told me that they can not do that anymore because of lawsuits and too many kids fainting!
Fainting? I have a heart problem--but I like to get out to great out doors.
This is why I can not invite anybody these days to camp because everyone wants to be "prepared" with the modern technology and think they are mountain men. I remember going to Big Bend and doing survival classes.
It was cold other times hot--and sometimes we'd be hungry. And yet when we came out of it--character, integrity and discipline was attained.
People change.
Today my high light was running my 14 mile route out by Santa Ana and coming across a Bobcat. They are not dangerous so I've been told---but I was surprised that I surprised him. It was only 4 feet from me--but man did it rock.
A lot of the mountain men I learned from...are getting older or passing on. As I ran I thought about what Pete said....and prayed that I could pass on what he taught me and others of the old days.
As I neared my trail...another trial--I could not help but wonder at how much had changed in 10 years. The generation of the last 10 years--at least the ones who have never had to do anything more than lift a taco or remote control--because there still a few people that still implement character into their children.....the one's that do not--after all he said--worries me too.
Seize the fish.
Oh wait--that means you have to get off the couch--never mind.
Yesterday, my friend and I went out to Laguna Atacosca if I spelled that right. It is about 30 before you get to South Padre Island. It is by the coast and a favorite with bird watchers--I was just looking for the 15 mile loop that I want to conquer.
It was a really good day. My friend got to take some of his pictures of his favorite birds--one of them is the Kiskadee. I mean they even have a trail named after it.
I do not get to do much of anything other than school, gym, run and nothing. So I did not want to pass this up...it was a good day.
Afterwards we went home, but not before stopping over at Camp Perry out at Rio Hondo. My personal favorite stomping ground....
You see I used to be a Boy Scout and go out there every summer to get away from the city and people. Out there I was in my element learning knots, camping AND I MEAN really camping--if it rained got muddy, clothes smelled of damp, flies, heat, humidity, cold frigid air. I was game and still am these days.
I wanted to talk to Ranger Pete. This guy is a good man and I learned so much from him over the 5 years that I went out there....
And then time caught up to him and the camp.
We talked about the good old days--and then we saw an armadillo and took some good pics.
He talked about how the camp was going wi-fi--there was talk of them building a cabin/slash hotel....today's kids are fat, lazy, stupid, no common sense and are basically--umm...wussies. He said I didn't.
All they want to do is sit and play X-box, have air-con units (rich kids with small tiny generators for both heat and air cons--pathetic) and call it camping.
I saw a lot of that out in Big Bend too. I understand the ranger having to have those things because they live out there 247 and need to communicate with the world.
What I do not understand is how today's generation is so numb and fat.
I remember helping with the docks and digging into the banks of the Arroyo. I was only 13 when we did that--and it didn't hurt me. We worked in the sun...
Pete told me that they can not do that anymore because of lawsuits and too many kids fainting!
Fainting? I have a heart problem--but I like to get out to great out doors.
This is why I can not invite anybody these days to camp because everyone wants to be "prepared" with the modern technology and think they are mountain men. I remember going to Big Bend and doing survival classes.
It was cold other times hot--and sometimes we'd be hungry. And yet when we came out of it--character, integrity and discipline was attained.
People change.
Today my high light was running my 14 mile route out by Santa Ana and coming across a Bobcat. They are not dangerous so I've been told---but I was surprised that I surprised him. It was only 4 feet from me--but man did it rock.
A lot of the mountain men I learned from...are getting older or passing on. As I ran I thought about what Pete said....and prayed that I could pass on what he taught me and others of the old days.
As I neared my trail...another trial--I could not help but wonder at how much had changed in 10 years. The generation of the last 10 years--at least the ones who have never had to do anything more than lift a taco or remote control--because there still a few people that still implement character into their children.....the one's that do not--after all he said--worries me too.
Seize the fish.
Oh wait--that means you have to get off the couch--never mind.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Do You See What I See?
I am a very analytical person.
So--there are times I like to analyze movies, songs, books...and people. I can do a decent job of reading a person. Although I have gotten into trouble at times--not for being wrong, but for being right.
The little things like facial twitches, people breaking eye contact, change in body posture, breathing, and voice. Other times--and I do this a lot by habit now and sometimes intentionally...telling the same story over again to see if they were listening to me the first time.
I suppose that last part is a bit manipulative.
And then again--it could go both ways. I shouldn't have to tell you something more than twice to see if you were listening.
I learned a while back to expect the worse and whatever good that happens is surprise. I learned that of course from the movie Say Anything if I remember correctly. Its the one with John Cusack.
I can be a very good actor and bad enemy my best friend tells me.
Other times--and because it has happened a lot people are never sure what role I am playing. I can be a good actor. I admit this when it comes to wanting to know who my friends are....
Life has a tendacy to make us all busy and I understand this--it is only when people want something from you and take and give nothing back that bothers me.
And then again to expect anything back on any level is superficial. What I'm learning is too do it anyways and it makes for personal integrity. When you do what is unseen by people--only by God.
There is to be no return or gain.
I do not do the things for my fellow man because I want to please them or impress anyone. Then that would be personal gratification...
I do them because God enables me to do them through His Holy Spirit.
I have been let down a few times by friends, professors, pastors, and family. There are times I want to believe that we all need a friend. Although more often by pastors and professors...although not to many friends--mainly because I do not have to many.
Eh, I'm working on that these days--living outside myself.
Until people and myself included learn to be a better friend...will we be able to see each other for who we are....
I hope you can see that much.
So--there are times I like to analyze movies, songs, books...and people. I can do a decent job of reading a person. Although I have gotten into trouble at times--not for being wrong, but for being right.
The little things like facial twitches, people breaking eye contact, change in body posture, breathing, and voice. Other times--and I do this a lot by habit now and sometimes intentionally...telling the same story over again to see if they were listening to me the first time.
I suppose that last part is a bit manipulative.
And then again--it could go both ways. I shouldn't have to tell you something more than twice to see if you were listening.
I learned a while back to expect the worse and whatever good that happens is surprise. I learned that of course from the movie Say Anything if I remember correctly. Its the one with John Cusack.
I can be a very good actor and bad enemy my best friend tells me.
Other times--and because it has happened a lot people are never sure what role I am playing. I can be a good actor. I admit this when it comes to wanting to know who my friends are....
Life has a tendacy to make us all busy and I understand this--it is only when people want something from you and take and give nothing back that bothers me.
And then again to expect anything back on any level is superficial. What I'm learning is too do it anyways and it makes for personal integrity. When you do what is unseen by people--only by God.
There is to be no return or gain.
I do not do the things for my fellow man because I want to please them or impress anyone. Then that would be personal gratification...
I do them because God enables me to do them through His Holy Spirit.
I have been let down a few times by friends, professors, pastors, and family. There are times I want to believe that we all need a friend. Although more often by pastors and professors...although not to many friends--mainly because I do not have to many.
Eh, I'm working on that these days--living outside myself.
Until people and myself included learn to be a better friend...will we be able to see each other for who we are....
I hope you can see that much.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Einstein Quotes
Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"The only real valuable thing is intuition."
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
"God is subtle but he is not malicious."
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
"Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain; they do not refer to reality."
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
"Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."
"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
"He, who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
"Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"The only real valuable thing is intuition."
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."
"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."
"God is subtle but he is not malicious."
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."
"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."
"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."
"Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain; they do not refer to reality."
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
"Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."
"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
"Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
"The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge."
"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
"...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
"He, who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."
"Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)
Please Sir...May I Have Some More?
"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."
- Mitch Hedberg
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
- Will Durant
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with."
- Tennessee Williams
Hmm...the topic of intellegence always comes up in my little circles of friends. (pondering quietly to myself--) I guess...may be I do underestimate myself in areas of my life. Most of my friends are of two different fields of life...some are not gifted in the intellect (which I really admire personally--ignorance can be a blessing I think...Solemn was onto something there.) And then I have the others whose intellect is bigger than a porn star's uhm--brain.
The intellects are cool to talk too--at times they can be so annoying. I guess I never really put much thought into it. I think the reason I and the only way I can put this is in the terms of Good Will Hunting and Finding Forester.
Some of them are Mensa freaks (although I always thought it was funny that in Spanish you can come up with Menso.)
Both movies rock...the characters dealing with their emotions and intellect and all that jazz. I--for the life of me couldn't go around in literary circles and talk about cheese. I used to do okay in my classes until Mr. Margo my biology teacher changed all that for me. He saw my grades fluctuate at times and wondered if I was playing around with my grades or struggling. I was this painfully shy 15 year kid who was struggling with his world around him.
I really looked up to him. I was REALLY apprehensive when he asked my teachers if I could handle honors or advance placement classes. They asked me if I wanted honors--and all it really is more work when you boil it down. I still wanted to swim and run in my free time--so I went advance.
I still suck at math and science though.
I mention that because I think that may be people see things that I do not choose to see in myself. May be I do happen to be intellegent...who knows? By the time we covered some of those books chances were I had already read them...I just happened to see things that most people would not take time to see.
When I walk anywhere I am always taking stock of sounds, sight, people, images, place, moments...my mind can never seem to stop running. Which has always made for a bad case of insomnia my whole life.
(more inner reflection)
A lot of people are always so concerend about how they will die...I always put a lot of stock into how I will live. Dying is the easy part--living --that is the solving for X equation that most people do not want to consider. Because when you are there--there is not a thing you can do about it. While we are around we have choices to make..
The glass can always be have empty or half full. It just depends on how you look at it--are you pouring water into it or out of it? Other times things can just seem to knock the glass over...
I really want to experience love in a way that most people have never imagined.
I realize that my life has been intense and my writing and heart reflects that--and most people can not handle that...I am not out to share all my secrets mind you. I'm not trying to overshare either...but how can I relate to you as a person if you do not see me?
There are times when I think that my inner child comes out--and I have to be self-aware of how I come across to people. I think this pent up excitement and drive come out. My discipline, drive, motivation and focus and most importantly and above all my faith in Jesus Christ.
May be there is more too me and in me that I should never underestimate...I just realized my own contradiction--I hate it when people underestimate me. Because I will prove you wrong weather it is now or later. And I will. The only thing is that in my own life the only one who underestimated me---was myself.
Something more to think about.
Seize the fish.
- Mitch Hedberg
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say."
- Will Durant
"A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with."
- Tennessee Williams
Hmm...the topic of intellegence always comes up in my little circles of friends. (pondering quietly to myself--) I guess...may be I do underestimate myself in areas of my life. Most of my friends are of two different fields of life...some are not gifted in the intellect (which I really admire personally--ignorance can be a blessing I think...Solemn was onto something there.) And then I have the others whose intellect is bigger than a porn star's uhm--brain.
The intellects are cool to talk too--at times they can be so annoying. I guess I never really put much thought into it. I think the reason I and the only way I can put this is in the terms of Good Will Hunting and Finding Forester.
Some of them are Mensa freaks (although I always thought it was funny that in Spanish you can come up with Menso.)
Both movies rock...the characters dealing with their emotions and intellect and all that jazz. I--for the life of me couldn't go around in literary circles and talk about cheese. I used to do okay in my classes until Mr. Margo my biology teacher changed all that for me. He saw my grades fluctuate at times and wondered if I was playing around with my grades or struggling. I was this painfully shy 15 year kid who was struggling with his world around him.
I really looked up to him. I was REALLY apprehensive when he asked my teachers if I could handle honors or advance placement classes. They asked me if I wanted honors--and all it really is more work when you boil it down. I still wanted to swim and run in my free time--so I went advance.
I still suck at math and science though.
I mention that because I think that may be people see things that I do not choose to see in myself. May be I do happen to be intellegent...who knows? By the time we covered some of those books chances were I had already read them...I just happened to see things that most people would not take time to see.
When I walk anywhere I am always taking stock of sounds, sight, people, images, place, moments...my mind can never seem to stop running. Which has always made for a bad case of insomnia my whole life.
(more inner reflection)
A lot of people are always so concerend about how they will die...I always put a lot of stock into how I will live. Dying is the easy part--living --that is the solving for X equation that most people do not want to consider. Because when you are there--there is not a thing you can do about it. While we are around we have choices to make..
The glass can always be have empty or half full. It just depends on how you look at it--are you pouring water into it or out of it? Other times things can just seem to knock the glass over...
I really want to experience love in a way that most people have never imagined.
I realize that my life has been intense and my writing and heart reflects that--and most people can not handle that...I am not out to share all my secrets mind you. I'm not trying to overshare either...but how can I relate to you as a person if you do not see me?
There are times when I think that my inner child comes out--and I have to be self-aware of how I come across to people. I think this pent up excitement and drive come out. My discipline, drive, motivation and focus and most importantly and above all my faith in Jesus Christ.
May be there is more too me and in me that I should never underestimate...I just realized my own contradiction--I hate it when people underestimate me. Because I will prove you wrong weather it is now or later. And I will. The only thing is that in my own life the only one who underestimated me---was myself.
Something more to think about.
Seize the fish.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
I Got A Headache and Its Not a Tumor
So I've been looking over some of the rules and regulations for the passports that are about too take place soon. By the end of this year we'll all have to have them to go into Mexico and Canada (which in theory end teenage drunkedness. Or too have permission to fly (whoo--go trusted traveler!!!)
The following year it'll be the nationwide license (well there you go--state issued work tags!) I'm telling you. Revelation is on its way.
On with the show.
I just finished speaking to first date lady. Long story short. She's a decade behind me...or am I a decade a head?
Women puzzle me...,but I've said that before already. Since I do not like to pay a therapist (b/c its expensive and I'm afraid they'd make more money off my life than I ever would)--this blurb, blog will serve me just fine.
As of late I've been really trying to be better person, brother, friend, and stranger. I make no secret these days that I can safely say I am a confessional poet and writer...although it is easier to say things without a face on here.
I did put a lot of thought into this statement during my stay out in moutain country. So I joined an aerobic class--at first filled with lots of gorgeous women..and in the process made some really good friends. Even making attempts (awkard as they are--because I am so good at putting my foot in my mouth.) at getting names and remembering them.
And even listening to them as this tends to be a common complaint amoung the opposite side of the fence. You know because men don't listen...
Being single for so long--I've made my peace with it. I think. And still I hope that I get to experience that taste and excitement of passion, romance and love.
Too be able to love someone more than I love myself...to make my own mistakes and attempts at being a good man--that--the only person that I should care what they think of me is her. I having to be all that she needs me too be as a man and more.
And hoping that she will be careful with my heart--when she can kill me with but a word. The only person who can build me up or tear me down.
So these days you can see why I am being a bit picky. Age is just a number, age does not always make wisdom and life is full of unexpected twists that we have too deal with.
It is not for us to decide what happens or wish for things not to have happened. With the time that is given to us--and what we do with that time is what gives our lives definition and meaning. We--should be able to define ourselves in a time of turmoil...and that makes for great character.
In these last 7 months (incidentally my favorite number) I've made some great personal progress...and I think if I can get through what my life has been. I should have no trouble asking a lady out.
Fear only has power as long as I feed it...if God is with me who can be against me? And a pretty lady is nothing to fear...unless she's a really mean person. I kid.
So as I close this blog for the day--I was watching a sexist commercial for Axe deodorant. I find it repulsive that someone would even think that women would come running to a manly scent and then throw themselves on the guy for anything he desires to do with her.
Because I bought two cans and used them on myself...and they did not work.
I want my money back.
Seize the fish.
The following year it'll be the nationwide license (well there you go--state issued work tags!) I'm telling you. Revelation is on its way.
On with the show.
I just finished speaking to first date lady. Long story short. She's a decade behind me...or am I a decade a head?
Women puzzle me...,but I've said that before already. Since I do not like to pay a therapist (b/c its expensive and I'm afraid they'd make more money off my life than I ever would)--this blurb, blog will serve me just fine.
As of late I've been really trying to be better person, brother, friend, and stranger. I make no secret these days that I can safely say I am a confessional poet and writer...although it is easier to say things without a face on here.
I did put a lot of thought into this statement during my stay out in moutain country. So I joined an aerobic class--at first filled with lots of gorgeous women..and in the process made some really good friends. Even making attempts (awkard as they are--because I am so good at putting my foot in my mouth.) at getting names and remembering them.
And even listening to them as this tends to be a common complaint amoung the opposite side of the fence. You know because men don't listen...
Being single for so long--I've made my peace with it. I think. And still I hope that I get to experience that taste and excitement of passion, romance and love.
Too be able to love someone more than I love myself...to make my own mistakes and attempts at being a good man--that--the only person that I should care what they think of me is her. I having to be all that she needs me too be as a man and more.
And hoping that she will be careful with my heart--when she can kill me with but a word. The only person who can build me up or tear me down.
So these days you can see why I am being a bit picky. Age is just a number, age does not always make wisdom and life is full of unexpected twists that we have too deal with.
It is not for us to decide what happens or wish for things not to have happened. With the time that is given to us--and what we do with that time is what gives our lives definition and meaning. We--should be able to define ourselves in a time of turmoil...and that makes for great character.
In these last 7 months (incidentally my favorite number) I've made some great personal progress...and I think if I can get through what my life has been. I should have no trouble asking a lady out.
Fear only has power as long as I feed it...if God is with me who can be against me? And a pretty lady is nothing to fear...unless she's a really mean person. I kid.
So as I close this blog for the day--I was watching a sexist commercial for Axe deodorant. I find it repulsive that someone would even think that women would come running to a manly scent and then throw themselves on the guy for anything he desires to do with her.
Because I bought two cans and used them on myself...and they did not work.
I want my money back.
Seize the fish.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Are You An Ompah Lumpah?
Quote of the DAY!
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
- Rabbi Julius Gordon
Before I go on--I do not have a clue who reads my blog (I thought I had like 3 hits...I have like 2000 + so thanks...I just like to write...most of the time I jump all over the place--this is my playground...when I get published one day-- I hope you will appreciate the real effort of my work...rather than stream of conscious junk I come up with here. So thank you.)
I was thinking to myself about Willy Wonka vs the "re-imaginated" one.
I still like the old one with Gene Wilder--who played him the best by far. Johnny Depp's put a new twist on his Wonka--(that sounds bad doesn't it? I digress.)
I was thinking how it had this greek tragedy theme going on. Every child being a spoiled brat and all---but Charlie.
And then after the child gets their comeuppance-- it is followed by a song of moral. Of course the blame falls on the parent rather than the child who are to blame for their actions...to a point.
I guess then the Ompah Lumpah's are like the choir telling the tale of the children's downfall.
When you really think about it--a child or a baby is in essence a picture of sin. There is the look of innocence--and they do not know better...obviously because they are small and unaware.
They cry when they are hungry, cry when they get tired, cry when they need something, and cry when they do not get their way. I want to say it was Anton Checkov that showed his characters as they were as children and as they got older never really changed. I think it was one of the Russian writer's...
It does sound mean to say--why are they being so selfish? Why are they so self-absorbed in their own little world. Well, because they do not know any better. There is no way to reason things out until they are able to communicate.
All they can do is really cry.
Mommy! Get me what I want now! No. Cry.
Dad! I want that toy. No. Cry.
I want to eat candy. No. Cry.
To make it even worse--parents I think over protect--shelter their children from to much of the world. So that when they get out here...they are only crippled. Not all handicaps can be seen....
And then the parent raises the child and some times not for the best--
As we get older the games get far more complicated...like you me called what? I'll call my lawyer.
Your child hit my child? I'm suing you.
I do not like the way he looked at me. I'm calling the police.
You cut me off? Pull over and let's "reason" things out.
All that has changed-- is that children got older and the crying is replaced with legalities and adult crying in a different translation.
Eventually, every character in life...has to decide if this is the way they want to be--when you really want to be about character and not a character.
I'd like to think people are still able to reason things out rather than resorting to childish antics.
What is it going to take for us to change?
And Ompah Lumpah chorus?
Seize the Fish.
Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.
- Rabbi Julius Gordon
Before I go on--I do not have a clue who reads my blog (I thought I had like 3 hits...I have like 2000 + so thanks...I just like to write...most of the time I jump all over the place--this is my playground...when I get published one day-- I hope you will appreciate the real effort of my work...rather than stream of conscious junk I come up with here. So thank you.)
I was thinking to myself about Willy Wonka vs the "re-imaginated" one.
I still like the old one with Gene Wilder--who played him the best by far. Johnny Depp's put a new twist on his Wonka--(that sounds bad doesn't it? I digress.)
I was thinking how it had this greek tragedy theme going on. Every child being a spoiled brat and all---but Charlie.
And then after the child gets their comeuppance-- it is followed by a song of moral. Of course the blame falls on the parent rather than the child who are to blame for their actions...to a point.
I guess then the Ompah Lumpah's are like the choir telling the tale of the children's downfall.
When you really think about it--a child or a baby is in essence a picture of sin. There is the look of innocence--and they do not know better...obviously because they are small and unaware.
They cry when they are hungry, cry when they get tired, cry when they need something, and cry when they do not get their way. I want to say it was Anton Checkov that showed his characters as they were as children and as they got older never really changed. I think it was one of the Russian writer's...
It does sound mean to say--why are they being so selfish? Why are they so self-absorbed in their own little world. Well, because they do not know any better. There is no way to reason things out until they are able to communicate.
All they can do is really cry.
Mommy! Get me what I want now! No. Cry.
Dad! I want that toy. No. Cry.
I want to eat candy. No. Cry.
To make it even worse--parents I think over protect--shelter their children from to much of the world. So that when they get out here...they are only crippled. Not all handicaps can be seen....
And then the parent raises the child and some times not for the best--
As we get older the games get far more complicated...like you me called what? I'll call my lawyer.
Your child hit my child? I'm suing you.
I do not like the way he looked at me. I'm calling the police.
You cut me off? Pull over and let's "reason" things out.
All that has changed-- is that children got older and the crying is replaced with legalities and adult crying in a different translation.
Eventually, every character in life...has to decide if this is the way they want to be--when you really want to be about character and not a character.
I'd like to think people are still able to reason things out rather than resorting to childish antics.
What is it going to take for us to change?
And Ompah Lumpah chorus?
Seize the Fish.
Stick the Needle Where?
I am amazed at the things people will do to better themselves.
Besides wanting to be a pseudo-intellectual (my best friend says we're equals...I have trouble believing that--the guy freaking scored off the charts when he was like 8--nice to think about--I just do not believe that of myself).
But seeing how I am a man of contradictions--
I like to hang out with the average person. I do not like academia as much as I thought I would. It is cool to have really great conversations with great minds.
And then...it just seems that--it becomes all about food, culture, class, philosophy, life, meaning, religion, politics and nonsense.
Give me randomness and nonsensical humor anyday (Go Benny Hill and Monty Pyton!)
Other times I really like to hang out with the jock type of person. IN this case I tend to be more confortable with the gym rat or surviorman. Because it requires wits to camp out in the back and know how to survive. I hate going to Big Bend only for one reason--
The weekend warriors who think being in the cabin is "roughing" it. The guys who complain if the wireless internet is running slow in the mountains. On the local level it can just be as bad when bird watchers go wild--only a few times have I heard the occasional *tsk* when I'm running out at Santa Ana. And I haven't been to Bensen in years now...it was such a bad choice to turn the place into a wasteland.
I loved to go out there and camp.
Anywho.
I feel so in my element with the gymrats--I must admit sometimes they have trouble talking about the meaning of life. Just do not get them started on the meaning of their biceps or their tans.
Although a selected few love to do the steorids and have been approached at times to partake in this drug culture.
Personally, the thought of being bigger, stronger and faster--would be cool. And then there are the opposite effects--smaller, limper, and slow to the draw. (That's right I went there)
Even some of the women do them too...for the life of me--no.
Books and needles---
Knowledge and power...
I may never have the 16 inch bicep or the 42 inch chest or be able to impress the ladies with my massive, ripped, shredded physique.
But I always have my brain and humor...I think.
Well--I have something going for me.
May be I'm smarter than I think I am.
Both worlds are not as perfect--but you take the good with the bad and live by your morals and convictions. We take the good and the bad with the ugly--like Jesus.
Seize the fish.
Besides wanting to be a pseudo-intellectual (my best friend says we're equals...I have trouble believing that--the guy freaking scored off the charts when he was like 8--nice to think about--I just do not believe that of myself).
But seeing how I am a man of contradictions--
I like to hang out with the average person. I do not like academia as much as I thought I would. It is cool to have really great conversations with great minds.
And then...it just seems that--it becomes all about food, culture, class, philosophy, life, meaning, religion, politics and nonsense.
Give me randomness and nonsensical humor anyday (Go Benny Hill and Monty Pyton!)
Other times I really like to hang out with the jock type of person. IN this case I tend to be more confortable with the gym rat or surviorman. Because it requires wits to camp out in the back and know how to survive. I hate going to Big Bend only for one reason--
The weekend warriors who think being in the cabin is "roughing" it. The guys who complain if the wireless internet is running slow in the mountains. On the local level it can just be as bad when bird watchers go wild--only a few times have I heard the occasional *tsk* when I'm running out at Santa Ana. And I haven't been to Bensen in years now...it was such a bad choice to turn the place into a wasteland.
I loved to go out there and camp.
Anywho.
I feel so in my element with the gymrats--I must admit sometimes they have trouble talking about the meaning of life. Just do not get them started on the meaning of their biceps or their tans.
Although a selected few love to do the steorids and have been approached at times to partake in this drug culture.
Personally, the thought of being bigger, stronger and faster--would be cool. And then there are the opposite effects--smaller, limper, and slow to the draw. (That's right I went there)
Even some of the women do them too...for the life of me--no.
Books and needles---
Knowledge and power...
I may never have the 16 inch bicep or the 42 inch chest or be able to impress the ladies with my massive, ripped, shredded physique.
But I always have my brain and humor...I think.
Well--I have something going for me.
May be I'm smarter than I think I am.
Both worlds are not as perfect--but you take the good with the bad and live by your morals and convictions. We take the good and the bad with the ugly--like Jesus.
Seize the fish.
Check Yes or No and No and No....
Darlene,Darlene, Darlene...
My blogs usually refrain from the "blast from the past" syndrome.
It was funny how my best friends found out about the last time I spoke to her. It was right after the funeral of my brother that she called-- (sighing)
I could never understand why she would apologize for so many things that she did wrong and too me--and ALWAYS under bad circumstances. Oh, I'm not going to play victim in this situation...
I remember that I did one thing bad myself. I ripped into her really good (If I know you well enough I can do a decent job at pushing the right buttons--I used to be proud of it...,but afterwhile you do not have many friends.)
She invited me out for a meal with other friends that I lost touch with...we talked, laughed and all those overly used clitches you can come up with.
Of course I had to ask why she would ever come up with this stalker theory of hers.
Because I was quiet and stayed away from her--see here is the thing. While, most guys who have guile want to be with the lady 247--I run for the border. Its either that or I talk to much with the occasional stutter...or red in the face from embarrassement.
I was like what? I act the opposite of what you expect and come up with this?
I guess what surprised me the most was when she gave me her number--and wanted to have a night out again--she gave me her number.
After she left...I thought about it for about a week.
There was a letter that I had wanted to give her that I never did...later on at about 3 in the morning and I know because it rained that night. I--knew that I had nothing to lose or gain.
My life at times seems to be more lose than gain.
I told her all the things within my heart--it was an intense letter that I had written so many times to near perfection. I guess--confirming what she already knew.
I do remember wanting to cry. Cry because I felt guilty during my time of grief, cry because I had lost my brother, cry because how far did I have to go to lose it all? I thought may be I was having a breakdown because I could not feel anything inside me....I wanted to love someone--and I couldn't do it.
It takes a lot to admit when your wrong. She did that to some degree--but she took something from me--that I know that I will never, never, ever---get back. What love does to a man...
In this world no one can ever get what they want like the song goes.
I never heard from her again...I figuered--one good turn deserves another.
I mailed the letter--because I could never tell her in person what I really felt.
I hope next time, I can do that face to face when I have a chance again. ( With someone else of course..)
Seize the fish.
My blogs usually refrain from the "blast from the past" syndrome.
It was funny how my best friends found out about the last time I spoke to her. It was right after the funeral of my brother that she called-- (sighing)
I could never understand why she would apologize for so many things that she did wrong and too me--and ALWAYS under bad circumstances. Oh, I'm not going to play victim in this situation...
I remember that I did one thing bad myself. I ripped into her really good (If I know you well enough I can do a decent job at pushing the right buttons--I used to be proud of it...,but afterwhile you do not have many friends.)
She invited me out for a meal with other friends that I lost touch with...we talked, laughed and all those overly used clitches you can come up with.
Of course I had to ask why she would ever come up with this stalker theory of hers.
Because I was quiet and stayed away from her--see here is the thing. While, most guys who have guile want to be with the lady 247--I run for the border. Its either that or I talk to much with the occasional stutter...or red in the face from embarrassement.
I was like what? I act the opposite of what you expect and come up with this?
I guess what surprised me the most was when she gave me her number--and wanted to have a night out again--she gave me her number.
After she left...I thought about it for about a week.
There was a letter that I had wanted to give her that I never did...later on at about 3 in the morning and I know because it rained that night. I--knew that I had nothing to lose or gain.
My life at times seems to be more lose than gain.
I told her all the things within my heart--it was an intense letter that I had written so many times to near perfection. I guess--confirming what she already knew.
I do remember wanting to cry. Cry because I felt guilty during my time of grief, cry because I had lost my brother, cry because how far did I have to go to lose it all? I thought may be I was having a breakdown because I could not feel anything inside me....I wanted to love someone--and I couldn't do it.
It takes a lot to admit when your wrong. She did that to some degree--but she took something from me--that I know that I will never, never, ever---get back. What love does to a man...
In this world no one can ever get what they want like the song goes.
I never heard from her again...I figuered--one good turn deserves another.
I mailed the letter--because I could never tell her in person what I really felt.
I hope next time, I can do that face to face when I have a chance again. ( With someone else of course..)
Seize the fish.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Checkmate!
It was a cold and windy day...what the hell is this? Am I freaking Snoopy?
I was thinking how this dating ritual eludes me...it seems easy enough. I mean you like the person and you tell them--with style, guile, and not in a stalkerish kind of way right?
It just seems pointless to drag infatuation on--this is why I left high school. If you like a person you tell them.
Although...mating is another thing. I mean can't there be some kind of up the stream meeting place to get too? I'm for arranged marriages myself, but I could settle for sniffing someone out like a dog. (Imagine going up to someone and saying they smell good--and you mean! You can't lose!)
So I'm in between classes--checking up on my professor's to see what they are like and who I should drop. And ran into my first date lady...I was kind of getting ready to ignore her (actually just be polite and say hi--but then who is being childish?)
It was really nice. Awkard...,but nice. We caught up on things--exchanged numbers (again) and she even asked me out for lunch later on today.
Wow.
I do not know if it means anything. And its okay if it does not...
Or may be she actually decided to give me the benefit of the doubt (long story--although--from what she told me with her share of wackadoo's--when she told me, " You don't call me or email me weird messages like all the other guys---I guess I should be flattered. Do you know what that means? I'm normal!)
I have to be honest though...there were times I wondered about her. (But not in the stalkerish kinda way)
(sighing and a deep breath later)
Women--do puzzle me. Or may be I should just learn to go with the flow....I guess if I believed in Fung Shui is it?
Mine would be all pretezely.
Seize the fish.
I was thinking how this dating ritual eludes me...it seems easy enough. I mean you like the person and you tell them--with style, guile, and not in a stalkerish kind of way right?
It just seems pointless to drag infatuation on--this is why I left high school. If you like a person you tell them.
Although...mating is another thing. I mean can't there be some kind of up the stream meeting place to get too? I'm for arranged marriages myself, but I could settle for sniffing someone out like a dog. (Imagine going up to someone and saying they smell good--and you mean! You can't lose!)
So I'm in between classes--checking up on my professor's to see what they are like and who I should drop. And ran into my first date lady...I was kind of getting ready to ignore her (actually just be polite and say hi--but then who is being childish?)
It was really nice. Awkard...,but nice. We caught up on things--exchanged numbers (again) and she even asked me out for lunch later on today.
Wow.
I do not know if it means anything. And its okay if it does not...
Or may be she actually decided to give me the benefit of the doubt (long story--although--from what she told me with her share of wackadoo's--when she told me, " You don't call me or email me weird messages like all the other guys---I guess I should be flattered. Do you know what that means? I'm normal!)
I have to be honest though...there were times I wondered about her. (But not in the stalkerish kinda way)
(sighing and a deep breath later)
Women--do puzzle me. Or may be I should just learn to go with the flow....I guess if I believed in Fung Shui is it?
Mine would be all pretezely.
Seize the fish.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I See Coltrane In Your Eyes
Hmm...I had some interesting discussions these last two weeks. I guess you could say more giving of myself--a degree of my life being shared with people who needed to hear words of inspiration.
I never really consider them inspiration--more--like a reality check may be?
Everybody has a struggle.
Everybody. And depending on your definition of what a sin is (sin is sin in the context of the Bible...it is just that some of us get really creative with our corruption)...God does see us through this life if we choose to hear Him and follow Him.
Sovereignty and free will are a can of worms I will not get into--
What I do know just scanning the lives of some of the jazz greats like Mile Davis or John Coltrane and Louis Armstrong (who really had some pain to hide...I had always wondered that--may be as artists, poets, and writers we can pick up on those kind of things--) who after internally focusing all their effort overcame.
Now I do not subscribe to Eastern Religions...as interesting as they are and then holding them to God's Truth. They do not have the weight of the Cross or the Resurrection--I digress.
WHAT I do find interesting is that as artists we...all seem to come up with the best material (I'm speaking generally---I do not and will not make the claim I am up to par with these guys or other greats. I merely spoke in human terms.) in our tragedy and pain we produce some profound material and--people can sense that pain, hurt, love (big words I know).
In one of my blogs I said that I intimidate people. Some of my close friends would say I underestimate my intelligence. Others, would say I can be cocky ( I admit that at times can be true.) and others do not know why I would be so calm and collected about my whacked up life.
Simply because I do love a challenge from time to time--and other times pushing forward lets other people see that life can be done. I do not really like the example of being a leader...or even an example. I just know at times...in an age where there are no more good ones anyways (thanks to reality t.v. and MTV (Music taking Values or sex and violence....hey, football~!!).
I am really trying to conquer my own struggles. My dislike for people and distrust with women--inside it does get a bit wacky. Or even personal ones like pornography...which has been compared to heroin. Even the secular world acknowledges that it is a problem. Ted Bundy even said that one of the reasons he become so desensitized to what he did was because of porn. This is not to say the blame is because of porn--
In the porn industry there are people who contribute to emasculation and misogynistic views. It rapes women and men too...it is like Smeagol out of Lord of The Rings. We hate what we are addicted too...and yet, we love it at the same time.
Sin.
So I think may be that is why I identify with Coltrane...the big three. With the help of God and a good friend--we are all capable of overcoming life and personal demons.
Should you need a friend I am here. And may be one day you will see Coltrane in my eyes.
Seize the Fish.
I never really consider them inspiration--more--like a reality check may be?
Everybody has a struggle.
Everybody. And depending on your definition of what a sin is (sin is sin in the context of the Bible...it is just that some of us get really creative with our corruption)...God does see us through this life if we choose to hear Him and follow Him.
Sovereignty and free will are a can of worms I will not get into--
What I do know just scanning the lives of some of the jazz greats like Mile Davis or John Coltrane and Louis Armstrong (who really had some pain to hide...I had always wondered that--may be as artists, poets, and writers we can pick up on those kind of things--) who after internally focusing all their effort overcame.
Now I do not subscribe to Eastern Religions...as interesting as they are and then holding them to God's Truth. They do not have the weight of the Cross or the Resurrection--I digress.
WHAT I do find interesting is that as artists we...all seem to come up with the best material (I'm speaking generally---I do not and will not make the claim I am up to par with these guys or other greats. I merely spoke in human terms.) in our tragedy and pain we produce some profound material and--people can sense that pain, hurt, love (big words I know).
In one of my blogs I said that I intimidate people. Some of my close friends would say I underestimate my intelligence. Others, would say I can be cocky ( I admit that at times can be true.) and others do not know why I would be so calm and collected about my whacked up life.
Simply because I do love a challenge from time to time--and other times pushing forward lets other people see that life can be done. I do not really like the example of being a leader...or even an example. I just know at times...in an age where there are no more good ones anyways (thanks to reality t.v. and MTV (Music taking Values or sex and violence....hey, football~!!).
I am really trying to conquer my own struggles. My dislike for people and distrust with women--inside it does get a bit wacky. Or even personal ones like pornography...which has been compared to heroin. Even the secular world acknowledges that it is a problem. Ted Bundy even said that one of the reasons he become so desensitized to what he did was because of porn. This is not to say the blame is because of porn--
In the porn industry there are people who contribute to emasculation and misogynistic views. It rapes women and men too...it is like Smeagol out of Lord of The Rings. We hate what we are addicted too...and yet, we love it at the same time.
Sin.
So I think may be that is why I identify with Coltrane...the big three. With the help of God and a good friend--we are all capable of overcoming life and personal demons.
Should you need a friend I am here. And may be one day you will see Coltrane in my eyes.
Seize the Fish.
It Is Better To Have Loved.....
"Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after a while you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can't hurt you no more."
The Fog Horn by Ray Bradbury
The thing I really love about Big Bend is the distance--it is in the middle of nowhere. Over the years it has become a popular tourist attraction and the point of criminal activity. I remember when the people working along the towns were Mexicans and you would hardly see anybody out there.
I remember when I first fell in love with a woman at 25 it was the within the same frame my brother's cancer was found. To make a long story short--I probably fell in love too fast and then my brother died. I am always amazed how much of my life seems to be the stuff of tragedy, Hollywood and triumph.
The thing that killed me most was...how guilty I felt about having feelings for Darlene. (thinking to myself) It just occurred to me that this is the first time in two years I ever thought of her--at least said her name instead of mentioning her as a minor character in my life. The thing about Big Bend is that is my source of rejuvenation you could say...I am in my element out there.
I went through that who withdrawal of love, anger, despair, and even hate. In my life I have had so many let downs. I had to depend on myself--and when my feelings started to control my heart. I hated it.
I did not hate her...I hated how she made me feel. What was even worse was how--because I was so quiet she assumed that I was stalking her. Although I know how she would have thought that--because we only ran into each other at the same places. It was rather funny thinking back on it now.
There are times I miss her, but not as much as I miss my two brothers.
There is a movie I really love--The Jacket with Adrian Brody. In the end he talks about dying twice...seeing more of life than anyone else. It is not that your special...it is more than being a writer or a witness. Crap happens.
I at times fought that feeling why me? It would have to be more like what now? In that okay something bad has happened now how do we get through this? It is a self-aware feeling ...and inner focus to not be negative. I choose not to beaten.
I still have hope that I will find my soul-mate. Every time when I am running that I will finish the race for my heavenly prize. And every time I look out over the mountains--that there is so much more to see and to experience and to endure. I then realize that I am not alone after all.
I love Big Bend because it is a cruel and beautiful and renewing place to reflect upon. I can finally say I let the things that grieved me for so long...finally let them go. In 23 days--I'll be 30!
Seize the fish.
The Fog Horn by Ray Bradbury
The thing I really love about Big Bend is the distance--it is in the middle of nowhere. Over the years it has become a popular tourist attraction and the point of criminal activity. I remember when the people working along the towns were Mexicans and you would hardly see anybody out there.
I remember when I first fell in love with a woman at 25 it was the within the same frame my brother's cancer was found. To make a long story short--I probably fell in love too fast and then my brother died. I am always amazed how much of my life seems to be the stuff of tragedy, Hollywood and triumph.
The thing that killed me most was...how guilty I felt about having feelings for Darlene. (thinking to myself) It just occurred to me that this is the first time in two years I ever thought of her--at least said her name instead of mentioning her as a minor character in my life. The thing about Big Bend is that is my source of rejuvenation you could say...I am in my element out there.
I went through that who withdrawal of love, anger, despair, and even hate. In my life I have had so many let downs. I had to depend on myself--and when my feelings started to control my heart. I hated it.
I did not hate her...I hated how she made me feel. What was even worse was how--because I was so quiet she assumed that I was stalking her. Although I know how she would have thought that--because we only ran into each other at the same places. It was rather funny thinking back on it now.
There are times I miss her, but not as much as I miss my two brothers.
There is a movie I really love--The Jacket with Adrian Brody. In the end he talks about dying twice...seeing more of life than anyone else. It is not that your special...it is more than being a writer or a witness. Crap happens.
I at times fought that feeling why me? It would have to be more like what now? In that okay something bad has happened now how do we get through this? It is a self-aware feeling ...and inner focus to not be negative. I choose not to beaten.
I still have hope that I will find my soul-mate. Every time when I am running that I will finish the race for my heavenly prize. And every time I look out over the mountains--that there is so much more to see and to experience and to endure. I then realize that I am not alone after all.
I love Big Bend because it is a cruel and beautiful and renewing place to reflect upon. I can finally say I let the things that grieved me for so long...finally let them go. In 23 days--I'll be 30!
Seize the fish.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Life is going to have to bleed to make me break
There are times in my running that I reflect on my progress on the road of life--
I know that I intimidate people and now know why...I am not proud of that when I say it--most of the times it makes me upset--when I decide to share it with a friend...
I have to back up here. I know it seems incredible that in my life I went through so much that most people do not believe me. The friends that have known me my whole life and knew what I went through and endured have a hard time believing it too.
And they saw it all.
Some people I know think when am I going to kill myself. I know because they have told me after all that I went through they would have...it never really crossed my mind or was an option.
Why would it be?
Life is a journey of unexpected s-- I like to finish what was started.
Thanks guys for the credit is what I thought to myself.
I--realize when I share my life with a few...I tend to lose a few friends or get a few weird looks...like they think I'm going to go ballistic. Man--school sucked hard for me...but I never had thoughts of shooting people at lunch time in the library.
I--have had my moments of tiredness with life. Like a soldier tired of battle and the killing...
I have had my moments of bitterness...I do have a hard time trusting people.
More so with women.
There is no normal to over use a clitche. There are no guarantees, there are no specifics, and there are no supposed to be's. Life just is--what we do with it is up to us...and the life we accept from God a gift. That is gift--but there are still no guarantee's--
We make the best of what He gives to us and praise Him for it.
It sounds harsh, but look at Job.
My beatings have nothing on Christ--He endured that for me.
My fear of rejection is little compared to His when God for a moment turned away from Him to endure the Cross and then death. Rejection--from a woman is nothing--to be forsaken by your Father...I do not want to think about it. Because that moment is what is the eternal choice many will make for themselves when THEY turn God away...
Hell will be more than the fire. It will be the eternal separation from God....
My brother's death as many others...is the wages of Sin.
No one should really be shocked when someone dies.
It is a fact in this world.
All I have endured is because God carried me through...I could never give in. I can never give up. It was not the way I was designed...all--my whole life confirms that because God gave me more than I could handle--and I am still here.
It resulted in growth.
And Lord willing He will let me see another day.
Seize the fish.
Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
Sir Winston Churchill, Speech, 1941, Harrow School
British politician (1874 - 1965)
I know that I intimidate people and now know why...I am not proud of that when I say it--most of the times it makes me upset--when I decide to share it with a friend...
I have to back up here. I know it seems incredible that in my life I went through so much that most people do not believe me. The friends that have known me my whole life and knew what I went through and endured have a hard time believing it too.
And they saw it all.
Some people I know think when am I going to kill myself. I know because they have told me after all that I went through they would have...it never really crossed my mind or was an option.
Why would it be?
Life is a journey of unexpected s-- I like to finish what was started.
Thanks guys for the credit is what I thought to myself.
I--realize when I share my life with a few...I tend to lose a few friends or get a few weird looks...like they think I'm going to go ballistic. Man--school sucked hard for me...but I never had thoughts of shooting people at lunch time in the library.
I--have had my moments of tiredness with life. Like a soldier tired of battle and the killing...
I have had my moments of bitterness...I do have a hard time trusting people.
More so with women.
There is no normal to over use a clitche. There are no guarantees, there are no specifics, and there are no supposed to be's. Life just is--what we do with it is up to us...and the life we accept from God a gift. That is gift--but there are still no guarantee's--
We make the best of what He gives to us and praise Him for it.
It sounds harsh, but look at Job.
My beatings have nothing on Christ--He endured that for me.
My fear of rejection is little compared to His when God for a moment turned away from Him to endure the Cross and then death. Rejection--from a woman is nothing--to be forsaken by your Father...I do not want to think about it. Because that moment is what is the eternal choice many will make for themselves when THEY turn God away...
Hell will be more than the fire. It will be the eternal separation from God....
My brother's death as many others...is the wages of Sin.
No one should really be shocked when someone dies.
It is a fact in this world.
All I have endured is because God carried me through...I could never give in. I can never give up. It was not the way I was designed...all--my whole life confirms that because God gave me more than I could handle--and I am still here.
It resulted in growth.
And Lord willing He will let me see another day.
Seize the fish.
Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
Sir Winston Churchill, Speech, 1941, Harrow School
British politician (1874 - 1965)
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
Are you a Beaner or a U.S. Citizen?
I just got back from Big Bend today--and man what a trip. I really love the mountain country (especially when you have a 4x4 Colorado--heh,heh,heh and all terrain tires that are screaming to get dirty after a sleet and minor snow storm) although it was cold for my taste---it was still good to get out there.
I stayed in Alpine because it was warmer (22 degrees in town and -15 of that in the Big Bend Chisos cabins) and decided to explore the cities (Alpine,Marathon, Fort Davis,Fort Stockten, Terulinga (is that spelled right?) and get ideas for poems and stories.
I so love the idea that it was a hard life to live--the high ideal of cooperation of Mexico and the U.S....when it seemed that there were no borders defined out there--that color didn't mean anything, but your word.
I went EXTREME muddying out on some flats along some old ghost towns because I wanted too and took some awesome photos. IT was windy with a wind chill factor of 22 (ouch) the iron cold gripped my face...
After a day in the flats and in the moutains and some hiking out by Mules Ear and Santa Elena (I started REALLY early)--I headed back to Alpine and was stopped by the Border Patrol (deep breath)
The first question are a U.S. citizen?
Yes.
Where you from?
Rio Grande Valley. Edinburg, Texas---
Did you cross into Mexico?
No..wait--what?
Why is there mud on your truck?
Uhm...I went muddying in Big Bend (picture my huge honking receipt on my wind shield that says Big Bend good for 10 days) and it snowed and some parts of the flats were watery.
Is this your truck?
Yes. I pay for it, but it is registered under my mother's name.
Why?
Because I did not have credit at the time and needed someone to sign it for me.
Let me see you license and pull over.
1 hour later and a search of my vehicle and tool box and more questions---nothing.
Where do you go to school (they asked me this 4 times AND THEN they finally ask me my major)
English and History (I realized when I said English how that sounded)
English you say?
English Literature--and His...
Where?
UTPA.
Oh.
You can go.
Now as I moved to get back into my truck the entire time both Agents are acting like I'm about to do something and have their hands on guns.
Naturally, I'm scared (not as scared when I almost ran into Yogi though--another story)--look all I want to do is get back in my truck and get out of here--your making me nervous with your twitchy fingers.
I checked out--can I go?
Yes. (I was also nervous b/c I DID/do have a warrant for a speeding ticket)
Needless, to say I was a bit upset....so I went all the way around through Marathon traveling an extra 40 miles to avoid Hardy and Laurel.
Seize the fish.
I stayed in Alpine because it was warmer (22 degrees in town and -15 of that in the Big Bend Chisos cabins) and decided to explore the cities (Alpine,Marathon, Fort Davis,Fort Stockten, Terulinga (is that spelled right?) and get ideas for poems and stories.
I so love the idea that it was a hard life to live--the high ideal of cooperation of Mexico and the U.S....when it seemed that there were no borders defined out there--that color didn't mean anything, but your word.
I went EXTREME muddying out on some flats along some old ghost towns because I wanted too and took some awesome photos. IT was windy with a wind chill factor of 22 (ouch) the iron cold gripped my face...
After a day in the flats and in the moutains and some hiking out by Mules Ear and Santa Elena (I started REALLY early)--I headed back to Alpine and was stopped by the Border Patrol (deep breath)
The first question are a U.S. citizen?
Yes.
Where you from?
Rio Grande Valley. Edinburg, Texas---
Did you cross into Mexico?
No..wait--what?
Why is there mud on your truck?
Uhm...I went muddying in Big Bend (picture my huge honking receipt on my wind shield that says Big Bend good for 10 days) and it snowed and some parts of the flats were watery.
Is this your truck?
Yes. I pay for it, but it is registered under my mother's name.
Why?
Because I did not have credit at the time and needed someone to sign it for me.
Let me see you license and pull over.
1 hour later and a search of my vehicle and tool box and more questions---nothing.
Where do you go to school (they asked me this 4 times AND THEN they finally ask me my major)
English and History (I realized when I said English how that sounded)
English you say?
English Literature--and His...
Where?
UTPA.
Oh.
You can go.
Now as I moved to get back into my truck the entire time both Agents are acting like I'm about to do something and have their hands on guns.
Naturally, I'm scared (not as scared when I almost ran into Yogi though--another story)--look all I want to do is get back in my truck and get out of here--your making me nervous with your twitchy fingers.
I checked out--can I go?
Yes. (I was also nervous b/c I DID/do have a warrant for a speeding ticket)
Needless, to say I was a bit upset....so I went all the way around through Marathon traveling an extra 40 miles to avoid Hardy and Laurel.
Seize the fish.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Keep On Rocking In A Free World
I'm so freaking happy about my progress as a runner. This week with the exception of two rest days brought on by the weather (sidenote: I HATE cold weather--I love 100 plus degrees...well I'm partial to them myself--although I love cold weather for superficial reasons...only for the fashion statements..no gay jokes please.)
On Sunday out at Santa Ana Refuge I hit 18 miles. It hurt afterwards and made me about 15 pounds lighter...do not worry I made them all up this week. Which I will lose again this weekend again.
I love the pain and euphoria that comes with running. Everybody has an addiction--mine would be running...other times doing 4 hour aerobic workouts. I know, I know it is INSANE. I love pushing myself to the brink of breakdown and then going all out to see what I have left.
Now. I do have limits at times--it is when I reach them and go even further. I--still think swimmers are by far THE number one athlete in the world ( I used to be one.) Running would be a dead second--then there is the historical aspect of it...I sometimes imagine I am an Aztec runner or an Indian carrying crucial information that my tribe is depeding on for it's survial.
Other times imagining I could have been a Greek runner on a mission right before a war...chessy--but it works for me. I personally think today we could use some of that today---considering technology has made us lazy. We are in essence still the same creature of old in a modern world.
I--really respect intellectuals who go for the body and mind approach. If the body is in tune, the body follows in flow--and the spirit works well. THERE is a big difference between Christian perspective and Buddist perspective when I say this--because I know that they seem in the same vein when I say this...
From the Christian perspective it is a must to keep the body in fine working order being the temple of God...AND we are accountable for what God has given to us. IN the Buddist perspective it is about self-respect and worship...then again it goes back into enlightment. Budda went from being Arnold to Fatty---and beside what I have gleaned from Budda is that all he really presented was a "dude, I have this philosophy about life" approach...WHAT HIS followers have did with that was something else--and now we have this religion.
Anyways...I really love being in the best shape of my life and thanking God for this ability to being fit and able to be fit. Not to many people can say that...and even if you are an intellectual and are not able to do a full out marathon--at least get out. There is more to life than a book--there is always something to learn from experiece to...other wise you'll be nothing more than a non compos...if I said that right.
Seize the fish.
On Sunday out at Santa Ana Refuge I hit 18 miles. It hurt afterwards and made me about 15 pounds lighter...do not worry I made them all up this week. Which I will lose again this weekend again.
I love the pain and euphoria that comes with running. Everybody has an addiction--mine would be running...other times doing 4 hour aerobic workouts. I know, I know it is INSANE. I love pushing myself to the brink of breakdown and then going all out to see what I have left.
Now. I do have limits at times--it is when I reach them and go even further. I--still think swimmers are by far THE number one athlete in the world ( I used to be one.) Running would be a dead second--then there is the historical aspect of it...I sometimes imagine I am an Aztec runner or an Indian carrying crucial information that my tribe is depeding on for it's survial.
Other times imagining I could have been a Greek runner on a mission right before a war...chessy--but it works for me. I personally think today we could use some of that today---considering technology has made us lazy. We are in essence still the same creature of old in a modern world.
I--really respect intellectuals who go for the body and mind approach. If the body is in tune, the body follows in flow--and the spirit works well. THERE is a big difference between Christian perspective and Buddist perspective when I say this--because I know that they seem in the same vein when I say this...
From the Christian perspective it is a must to keep the body in fine working order being the temple of God...AND we are accountable for what God has given to us. IN the Buddist perspective it is about self-respect and worship...then again it goes back into enlightment. Budda went from being Arnold to Fatty---and beside what I have gleaned from Budda is that all he really presented was a "dude, I have this philosophy about life" approach...WHAT HIS followers have did with that was something else--and now we have this religion.
Anyways...I really love being in the best shape of my life and thanking God for this ability to being fit and able to be fit. Not to many people can say that...and even if you are an intellectual and are not able to do a full out marathon--at least get out. There is more to life than a book--there is always something to learn from experiece to...other wise you'll be nothing more than a non compos...if I said that right.
Seize the fish.
Monday, January 1, 2007
Some guys have all the luck
It is another year...I mean I am excited and all and look forward to new things...and sometimes my loneliness does get the best of me. I have family to look forward to--but it sucks because this is the first year--
...that I do not get to hang out with friends...they are all married and have kids or kids on the way.
I will take more risks per say asking a woman out. I just--
Happy New Year.
Queen
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?
(He works hard)
Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah
Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Invisible Man by 98 degrees
You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Everytime he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're making love
He's everything you been dreaming of, oh baby
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
You probably spend hours on the phone
Talking 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter what the conversation
Just as long as he calls
Lost in a love so real, and so sincere
And you'll wipe away other's tears
Your face lights up whenever he appears
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
I see you all the time baby
Huh, the way you look at him
I wish it was me, sweetheart
Boy, I wish it was me
But I guess...
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
Oh, oh, oh, oh baby
The invisible man
You don't see me girl
But I love you
Yes, I love you
The invisible man
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah
The invisible man
Baby, baby, baby, yeah
The invisible man
...that I do not get to hang out with friends...they are all married and have kids or kids on the way.
I will take more risks per say asking a woman out. I just--
Happy New Year.
Queen
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look in the mirror and cry
Lord what you're doing to me
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody, somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
I work hard every day of my life
I work till I ache my bones
At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own -
I get down on my knees
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord - somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me - somebody to love?
(He works hard)
Everyday - I try and I try and I try -
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm goin' crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe
Yeah - yeah yeah yeah
Oh Lord
Somebody - somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm ok, I'm alright
Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Invisible Man by 98 degrees
You can hardly wait to tell all your friends
How his kisses taste sweet like wine
And how he always makes your heart skip a beat
Everytime he walks by
And if you're feeling down
He'll pick you up
He'll hold you close when you're making love
He's everything you been dreaming of, oh baby
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
You probably spend hours on the phone
Talking 'bout nothing at all
It doesn't matter what the conversation
Just as long as he calls
Lost in a love so real, and so sincere
And you'll wipe away other's tears
Your face lights up whenever he appears
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
I see you all the time baby
Huh, the way you look at him
I wish it was me, sweetheart
Boy, I wish it was me
But I guess...
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
I wish you'd look at me that way
Your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine
Telling me more than any words could say
But you don't even know I'm alive
Baby, to you all I am is the invisible man
Oh, you don't see me baby
Oh, oh, oh, oh baby
The invisible man
You don't see me girl
But I love you
Yes, I love you
The invisible man
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah
The invisible man
Baby, baby, baby, yeah
The invisible man
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