It Is Better To Have Loved.....

"Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after a while you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can't hurt you no more."
The Fog Horn by Ray Bradbury

The thing I really love about Big Bend is the distance--it is in the middle of nowhere. Over the years it has become a popular tourist attraction and the point of criminal activity. I remember when the people working along the towns were Mexicans and you would hardly see anybody out there.

I remember when I first fell in love with a woman at 25 it was the within the same frame my brother's cancer was found. To make a long story short--I probably fell in love too fast and then my brother died. I am always amazed how much of my life seems to be the stuff of tragedy, Hollywood and triumph.

The thing that killed me most was...how guilty I felt about having feelings for Darlene. (thinking to myself) It just occurred to me that this is the first time in two years I ever thought of her--at least said her name instead of mentioning her as a minor character in my life. The thing about Big Bend is that is my source of rejuvenation you could say...I am in my element out there.

I went through that who withdrawal of love, anger, despair, and even hate. In my life I have had so many let downs. I had to depend on myself--and when my feelings started to control my heart. I hated it.

I did not hate her...I hated how she made me feel. What was even worse was how--because I was so quiet she assumed that I was stalking her. Although I know how she would have thought that--because we only ran into each other at the same places. It was rather funny thinking back on it now.

There are times I miss her, but not as much as I miss my two brothers.
There is a movie I really love--The Jacket with Adrian Brody. In the end he talks about dying twice...seeing more of life than anyone else. It is not that your special...it is more than being a writer or a witness. Crap happens.

I at times fought that feeling why me? It would have to be more like what now? In that okay something bad has happened now how do we get through this? It is a self-aware feeling ...and inner focus to not be negative. I choose not to beaten.

I still have hope that I will find my soul-mate. Every time when I am running that I will finish the race for my heavenly prize. And every time I look out over the mountains--that there is so much more to see and to experience and to endure. I then realize that I am not alone after all.


I love Big Bend because it is a cruel and beautiful and renewing place to reflect upon. I can finally say I let the things that grieved me for so long...finally let them go. In 23 days--I'll be 30!
Seize the fish.