Trying to Be a Better Man

*sighing*

I was thinking today how hard it is too find a friend. A dependable friend--not an acquaintance, not a passer by, and some random stranger you see from time to time.

Today in the cyber world it is too easy to get fat, stupid and lack common sense. I see it too many times in some of the deptments here on campus...proof and assurance that having a doctrate means you can still be stupid and ignorant. You just sound nicer.

In a world where looks do matter--it is hard to be friend anyone at times with out motive. Everything is always suspect...

In my little world I used to admire professors for knowledge and a bit of enlightment...other times pastors for wisdom and biblical knowledge. And then I realized something--they're only human. It is just that I keep forgetting that...

My friend Pete said something too me that I thought was funny and an oxymoron. And then again may be he meant it that way--

He said that I could be so innocent and boyish--yet knowing the things that I know and the experiences that I carry...at such a young age--just enjoy life and you'll be okay.

I'm not sure if he was going somewhere with that--but I respect this man.

I have my stuggles and fall from grace more than I like too.

Three times this month I thought about how certain people told me that I could call them any time for advice, know how, anything---and when you do...nothing. It is so funny how many times people say things that only amounts to nothing.

No one really wants to offer advice because they might be wrong--and then it makes me doubt their postion on so many levels because they have no confidence in what they try to offer.

Other times people offer you advice when you do not want none. Then again--I never really use it. Because that is up to me...

I always mean what I say. I do try to come through--even if it means being used a few times. You may get away with it once or twice, but afterwards your on your own.

People are full of crap.

I've made bad choices in women and other times did not say anything and have a few regrets for not say what I wanted to say.

Other times getting so frustrated that women who claim they want a man to say what he means---and then are suspect to your on word and personal intergrity. I can say this much--at least when I am given a chance--I will not have 30 ex's in back of me or at a Church gathering. Personally? That is not just sad but pathetic...I'm for the one per say--but not for dating my congregation.

I am not a whore. ( however some of you who take offense to that--that's your problem not mine--because you know it is true.)

I AM looking for a wife and not some random encounter.

There were times I could have been a better brother and better friend.

I still miss my brother and will always. He was not just a brother, but a friend that I could also rely on.

I've had old friends track me down years later to offer their condolences...and yet even now amoung my "friends" never said anything or offer their support--not even a hint of sympathy. Not that I want your sympathy--even then it is a bit too late.

The saddest thing that I will always remember is how my brother's enemies and mine came by to offer their support. (laughing to myself) and they became good friends over the course of 3 years...and they are not even Christians.

My birthday is coming up...and my the only one who will not be at my table is my brother.

He was not perfect nor am I--but he was reliable.

Some of you can "try" to defend the family...the thing is I know some great men and women of God.

And then there are the bad apples--if I could remember the proverb--I'm trying to be more and more what God expects of me.

If you none of you see that--that is too bad. Some of you will never look beyond the me you knew...there are bad apples that I do not want to be like--and to do that I must stay away. I want to be a better person, friend, man...

And by the Grace of God I will.

Peace.