I Hate Insomnia--or Is The Other Way Around?

Hmm...so I've been up for about 50 some hours meandering in my thoughts pondering my existence and floating towards the inner me.

What the hell am I saying?

Although I have been up for a while...I hope sleep find me tonight.

I keep--wondering why women I find interesting intimidate me. Other times a bit concerned what people will think of me seeing someone about a decade younger than I.

Not that I have intentionally made it my mission to be amoung the younger generation...(sighing) it just worked out that way for me.

Most of the time I seem to have the problem of not being able to find someone of the same level as I am--even my own age. Even then the things that I carry seem to make me older I've been told. Well, it is a lot better than being told that I am uptight. Other times for whatever reason being told that I'm so innocent--I disagree...at least in the mental and heart deptment.

I have been told that despite my experiences that I have managed to retain my boyish behavior. I sometimes--I do not like either "compliment". Mainly, because I am about to turn 30 and I consider myself a man at this point....

I realize that you do not have to have sex to be a "man" as some of my promiscous friends have told me. It does make for a great song though. Now that is the male half--

The other gender tells me that I am not missing much--all it amounts to is a bunch of hoop la, meal is optional, clothes come off ( I digress with the unintentional pun--have you ever noticed when someone says no pun intended they really meant it? It is like the Freudian slip--when you have one--you really mean your mother. Or father depending on which boat you float to Sytx--moving on.) and then she's thinking get off of me.

I think that is kind of depressing (pun) and sad at the same time.

Then again--I do have some high ideals and expectations of myself.

I have been reassessing my original goals and faith. Not that I have ever reinterpreted my faith or tried to rationalize it through situational ethics...I do tend to be a hypocrite, but I am not out to prove something that I am not.

It does get frustrating to not think about what I am missing out on. When you see the experiences of love being shared by everyone around you...and I wonder why not me? When you have seen all your friends get married and time moves on--the reality sets in. Your social circles get smaller and you get pushed aside because you can not get with the family culture.

Other times having some people say how lucky you are for not being in a relationship--and them not knowing how much that hurts. If relationships are so hard then why not quit? Why are they so important to people?

I want the mortgage, the arguements, the make up sex, the headaches, the trials and the worries.

Sometimes hating to be dragged down by people who want to make you feel miserable--to share in their bitterness. I never "think" I can do something. I have to know.

Just because you can not do something--does not mean that I can not.

Your limitations are not my own.

I try not to get jealous sometimes when I see old lovers in coffee shops or at restaurants.

I will never understand why some women put up with jerks. I know that I am a nice guy--I know that I am the man that I want to be and to continue to be and to continue in the growth of that man I want to become with the help of Jesus.

I am no different than no one else--I have substance in my heart that I want to share, show, explore and come to fruitation.

I just want one chance.
I just want one moment.

Seize the fish.