The Things We Carry

Lately--I have been feeling my age. Yeah, I'm only 30 as of this past Wednesday to be exact. I will have to explain of course what I mean by that...if you have ever seen Lord of The Rings part 3 there is a scene towards the ending. The tavern scene where Frodo and his companions are having some ale. Meanwhile, everyone else is getting all excited about a pumpking--and all they can do is shrug and smile.

What I liked about that scene in the book is how Tolkien captured veterans reactions to the simplicity of life. You acknowledge it with a smile, but you know deep inside because of your intense experiences with life--that you never be able to do the same ever again.

My whole life has been intense...I know that there are times that I do intimidate people or in some cases--even make them uncomfortable. Now I am not going around proclaiming to world pity me. What I am saying is that when I talk to todays generation that is when I see the generation gap. Even when talking to my own peers--I have the same problem.

I do not mind spending my life alone. In fact I have made my peace with it...I just hate the longing and want--to experience love emotionally, spiritually and physically. I have had some moments that I came close too selling out. The only people I can ever really relate too are others of my own similar experience, elders and veterans. The veterans are a tricky bunch because they have experienced something elseo of course. They killed people and saw people die by their own hand--

What amazes me is that some while and I would NEVER coax someone into telling me their story...some of them have shared them with me. When I talk about my brother--and how he died. One of them and I have too agree--said that seeing death in whatever form it decided to take is too much.

I've seen it three times.

Then you add all the other experiences that I have had and that only intensifies the soul and heart.

I know a lot of people think that I am happy go lucky, funny, witty, a comedian basically and yet--it is the only way I know how to get through the day. Even some of my younger friends for unknown reasons equate humor with maturity.

Other times I like to be self-deprecating--

I don't act my age because how can I?

I may be 30, but I do feel older than this number. I am never sure if that will make sense to any of you people. I just know that it shows in my writing and that a lot of people can see that and think what they want to think.

My battle scars, pieces of my heart and pain are the things that I carry.